2024 marks 10 years since my most recent suicide attempt and subsequent psychiatric admission. This is considerable progress for someone who has attempted suicide four times and has had over 20 psychiatric hospitalizations throughout the span of almost three decades.
I used to mark off the years that passed by without an admission on an imaginary chalkboard. I’d put an asterisk next to those that involved a suicide attempt. When I was readmitted, an imaginary eraser wiped the board clean, only to have to start again.
My first suicide attempt came in 1986. I was 25. I had been in therapy for about two years, and I didn’t realize how depressed I was. Getting up each day, taking the F train into Manhattan, and doing what was expected at work were all signs of normalcy. I wasn’t aware one could function and still be depressed. One night, at home alone, I felt as if it would be impossible to face the next day.
According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, suicide is the 11th-leading cause of death in the US. In 2022, 49,476 Americans died by suicide and there were an estimated 1.6 million attempts.
The stigma surrounding suicide compounds the likelihood that people won’t share their intent. There is a feeling of embarrassment or that they must be “crazy.” A perception exists that their character is being judged, that they’re a bad person, or that they have failed.
In my late twenties, I was diagnosed with anorexia and major depressive disorder. I made a second suicide attempt in 1989, after losing my job due to a second extended hospitalization for the anorexia. (This was prior to the Americans With Disabilities Act.) I worked for eight years straight after college climbing a ladder from a secretary at an advertising agency to a consumer promotion development manager at one of the largest packaged goods firms in the world.
A study published in The American Journal of Psychiatry states, “A prior history of suicide attempt is considered one of the most robust predictors of eventually completed suicide.” A separate study states that “More than 80% of subsequent completed suicides occurring within a year of initial attempt.”
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I was angry that I had not succeeded. Despondent about the loss of my job, I felt as if I’d lost everything that mattered. Prior to the anorexia, I spent all my free time playing softball in Central Park on three corporate teams. After games we’d head to a bar on Third Avenue. Even my social life was tied to my work.
A diagnosis of borderline personality disorder (BPD) followed this second attempt. A review on the stigma and its impact on healthcare for BPD states, “people with BPD are a high-risk group for suicide which is often triggered by heightened emotions and repetitive cycles of intense distress and crises.” I was admitted to a long-term psychiatric unit that specialized in treating patients diagnosed with BPD with a then new therapy known as dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). My insurance declared that they would no longer pay after I’d been on the unit for 10 months. I was nowhere ready to be discharged. After leaving the hospital, I floundered. I attended a BPD day program for 18 months while residing in a supervised residence for three years. I outstayed my welcome. I constantly tested the limits by engaging in self-destructive behavior, upping the ante each time. I imagine I became a liability.
I saw my therapist from the day program in her private practice for over 10 years, and my sense of self fluctuated wildly. My mood soared when one of my old bosses from my consumer promotion days gave me a job. When I was unable to catch up with advances in the industry, I resigned and disparaged myself, becoming suicidal. I jammed my car into a pole head on, albeit at a slow speed. I was hospitalized again.
#James Donaldson notes: Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes. Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use. Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.#http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson’s latest book, #CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy
In 2005, I impulsively quit therapy and stopped all my medications. Suicide became imminent. A therapist I was connected to via a women’s group referred me to a psychiatrist for a one-time medication consultation. That consultation turned into ongoing therapy which lasted for 11 years. I met with a whip-smart psychiatrist, Dr. Lev, who specialized in a treatment for BPD known as or transference-focused psychotherapy. TFP is a psychodynamic treatment that is based on the relationship — or the transference — that develops between the therapist and the client. The patterns that become evident in the transference are also patterns that are problematic in other relationships in the client’s life.
We tore into my relationships with my parents. My mother passed away in 2002, but my father was still living, and we had a conflicted relationship. He was an alcoholic during my childhood and adolescence and when he sobered up, he curled up into an intractable depression and rarely emerged. He passed away in 2013. My feelings of rage and resentment, activated by his death and the realization that the opportunity was lost to hear him say “You are good enough,” led to my own depression and a fourth suicide attempt in 2014. This overdose was my most serious attempt yet and required a brief stay in a medical hospital to stabilize my vital signs.
The next two years in therapy centered around me learning to express my anger without feeling the need to self-destruct. I terminated TFP treatment with Dr. Lev at the end of 2016. She continues to manage my medications. I will be on antidepressants for the rest of my life. It’s too risky to go off them.
While embroiled in my illness, following each attempt I was indifferent or angry. Today, I’m grateful that I didn’t succeed. When I was mired in trying to kill myself, I didn’t comprehend how much pain I was causing my family. Their agony is what I regret the most.
I fight the stigma that exists around suicide because I don’t want any family to endure what my family did when they pictured the worst. I can’t imagine the suffering families go through when their loved one completes suicide. I fight the stigma by writing and blogging openly and honestly about my experience, an endeavor I hope contributes to decreasing the shame and judgment that surrounds suicide.
The way to reduce the stigma is to keep the conversation going. Let’s shed the stigma with the power of words.
James Donaldson is a Washington State University graduate (’79). After an outstanding basketball career with WSU, he went on to play professional basketball in the NBA with the Seattle Supersonics, San Diego/L.A. Clippers, Dallas Mavericks, New York Knicks, and Utah Jazz. He also played for several teams in the European Leagues in Spain, Italy, and Greece, and he toured with The Harlem Globetrotters to wrap up his career. James was an NBA All-Star in 1988 while playing center for the Dallas Mavericks. In 2006, James was inducted into the Pac-10 Sports Hall of Fame and also the Washington State University Athletic Hall of Fame. In 2010, James was elected as a board member for the NBA Retired Players Association.
James frequently conducts speaking engagements (motivational, inspirational, educational) for organizations, schools, and youth groups.
In 2010, James was the recipient of the NBA Legends of Basketball ABC Award, awarded for outstanding contributions in Athletics–Business–Community.
He believes in being a role model for success and professionalism to the scores of young people to whom he devotes so much of his time. He currently serves on several boards and committees and is a member of many organizations.
James believes in developing relationships that create a “Win-Win” environment for everyone involved, and in being the best he can be!
For more information about James Donaldson or to request he speak at your event, contact him at:
James Donaldson is the author of “Standing Above The Crowd” and “Celebrating Your Gift of Life” and founder of the Your Gift of Life Foundation which focuses on mental health awareness and suicide prevention, especially pertaining to our school aged children and men.
If you’re interested in having James come and speak to your group of young adults, business entrepreneurs, aspiring political and community leaders, and athletic teams, please contact him at jamesd@yourgiftoflife.org and or leave a personal message for him at 1-800-745-3161. Keep up with him and read about how he is reaching out and making a difference in the lives of so many around the world at www.yourgiftoflife.org
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