I have a 5-year-old boy and 6-month-old son. The 5-year-old loves his brother, but he is very sensitive and does not listen to what I tell him to do. I put him in time-out and it doesn’t seem to work. When I ask him “Why did you do that?” he doesn’t answer me and starts to cry. He’s also very disrespectful to me. What should I do?
Answer
Many parents I see have this problem — children who become oppositional or upset when required to do something they don’t want to do or stop something they like doing. Unfortunately, many of these parents have gotten in a pattern where they are paying attention to their child’s misbehavior and ignoring appropriate compliant behavior. One of the first things that I like to do with parents is to reverse this pattern of attention: You want to pay attention to compliant behavior and consistently ignore disrespectful or tantrum behaviors. In this manner, the child learns that compliant behavior will result in rewarding positive attention, and that oppositional behavior will neither get them attention nor help them get their way.
By asking questions, such as “Why do you do that?” during or after a conflict, it inherently gives attention to the child’s misbehavior, making it more likely to continue in the future. And a child who is very emotional can’t think rationally about their behavior.
Parents who come see me for parent training often tell me that they have tried time-outs and they do not work with their child. This is often because of common mistakes in using the procedure that makes it ineffective. First, a time-out must have a negative consequence. If the child is able to have fun in time-out (watch TV, play with a toy, read a book), then it is no longer a time-out — it is fun time! Second, children should be ignored throughout the duration of the time-out. Parents who talk to, look at, or gesture to the child during time-out are giving the child reinforcing attention. Third, the child’s behavior must be appropriate during the time-out. Parents who mistakenly let their child out of time out even though they are screaming and yelling are not teaching their child that they must act appropriately to get out of time-out. Moreover, if the child leaves time-out before their time is up, they must go to a backup time-out area. Many parents whose children prematurely run out of time-out often give up and assume that time-out isn’t working. Lastly, when the child’s time-out period has ended, they must comply with the original command that landed them in time-out to begin with. Many parents, when their child has completed time out, let them pursue another activity instead of complying with the original command (start your homework), making the time-out a reinforcing avoidance strategy for the child instead of a negative consequence.
#James Donaldson notes: Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes. Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use. Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.#http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson’s latest book, #CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy
If you use time-out and consistently consider the above steps, along with praising positive compliance behaviors and ignoring minor misbehavior, you should get your child’s compliance to increase and his disrespectfulness and tantrums to decrease. If you still experience difficulty after using these steps consistently, you might want to consult with a psychologist experienced in parent training, especially parent-child interaction therapy (PCIT), which would help you master these skills.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I get my 5-year-old to listen and behave?
You can get your 5-year-old to listen and behave by consistently ignoring their disrespectful behavior and paying lots of positive attention to behavior that you do want to see.
James Donaldson is a Washington State University graduate (’79). After an outstanding basketball career with WSU, he went on to play professional basketball in the NBA with the Seattle Supersonics, San Diego/L.A. Clippers, Dallas Mavericks, New York Knicks, and Utah Jazz. He also played for several teams in the European Leagues in Spain, Italy, and Greece, and he toured with The Harlem Globetrotters to wrap up his career. James was an NBA All-Star in 1988 while playing center for the Dallas Mavericks. In 2006, James was inducted into the Pac-10 Sports Hall of Fame and also the Washington State University Athletic Hall of Fame. In 2010, James was elected as a board member for the NBA Retired Players Association.
James frequently conducts speaking engagements (motivational, inspirational, educational) for organizations, schools, and youth groups.
In 2010, James was the recipient of the NBA Legends of Basketball ABC Award, awarded for outstanding contributions in Athletics–Business–Community.
He believes in being a role model for success and professionalism to the scores of young people to whom he devotes so much of his time. He currently serves on several boards and committees and is a member of many organizations.
James believes in developing relationships that create a “Win-Win” environment for everyone involved, and in being the best he can be!
For more information about James Donaldson or to request he speak at your event, contact him at:
James Donaldson is the author of “Standing Above The Crowd” and “Celebrating Your Gift of Life” and founder of the Your Gift of Life Foundation which focuses on mental health awareness and suicide prevention, especially pertaining to our school aged children and men.
If you’re interested in having James come and speak to your group of young adults, business entrepreneurs, aspiring political and community leaders, and athletic teams, please contact him at jamesd@yourgiftoflife.org and or leave a personal message for him at 1-800-745-3161. Keep up with him and read about how he is reaching out and making a difference in the lives of so many around the world at www.yourgiftoflife.org
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