In order to help a kid who’s having a meltdown or tantrum, parents and caregivers need to understand what’s causing it. This is hard because it could be fear, anger, frustration, or something else. Try to think of a tantrum as a reaction to something upsetting. Your child isn’t responding in the way a grown-up would, like by talking or asking for what they want. Instead, they cry or yell. If you give in to tantrums, kids will learn that having a tantrum will get them what they want. Your goal is to get your child to unlearn this.
But first you have to understand which situations set off a tantrum. When your child has a tantrum, think about what happens immediately before. A lot of kids have tantrums in the same situation over and over. This may be when it’s time to do homework or get ready for bed. When you know what triggers your child’s tantrums you can come up with a plan to avoid them. Can you build in more breaks during homework time? Or start an enjoyable bedtime routine?
Think about what happens during and after the outburst, too. The way we respond (like by being inconsistent or giving in) can make tantrums more likely to happen again.
When a tantrum does happen, parents should ignore it if it isn’t dangerous. When kids get attention for tantrums, they are more motivated to keep having them. Instead, give attention to your child when they do something good. Give lots of praise when they compromise, try to calm themselves down or do something difficult without a tantrum.
Parents need to show kids how to self-soothe, too. Come up with a list of things you can do to calm down and share it with your child. Slow breathing, counting to ten and mindfulness can all help.
The first thing we have to do to manage tantrums is to understand them. That is not always as easy as it sounds, since tantrums and meltdowns are generated by a lot of different things: fear, frustration, anger, sensory overload, to name a few. And since a tantrum isn’t a very clear way to communicate (even though it may be a powerful way to get attention), parents are often in the dark about what’s driving the behavior.
It’s useful to think of a tantrum as a reaction to a situation a child can’t handle in a more grown-up way — say, by talking about how they feel, or making a case for what they want, or just doing what they have been asked to do. Instead they are overwhelmed by emotion. And if unleashing their feelings in a dramatic way — crying, yelling, kicking the floor, punching the wall, or hitting a parent — serves to get them what they want (or out of whatever they were trying to avoid), it’s a behavior that they may come to rely on.
That doesn’t mean that tantrums are consciously willful, or even voluntary. But it does mean that they’re a learned response. So the goal with a child prone to tantrums is to help them unlearn this response, and instead learn other, more mature ways to handle a problem situation, like compromising, or complying with parental expectations in exchange for some positive reward.
Make an assessment
The first step is to get a picture of what triggers your particular child’s tantrums. Mental health professionals call this a “functional assessment,” which means looking at what real-life situations seem to generate tantrums — specifically, at what happens immediately before, during, and after the outbursts that might contribute to their happening again.
Sometimes a close look at the pattern of a child’s tantrums reveals a problem that needs attention: a traumatic experience, abuse or neglect, social anxiety, ADHD, or a learning disorder. When children are prone to meltdowns beyond the age in which they are typical, it’s often a symptom of distress that they are struggling to manage. That effort breaks down at moments that require self-discipline they don’t yet have, like transitioning from something they enjoy to something that’s difficult for them.
“A majority of kids who have frequent meltdowns do it in very predictable, circumscribed situations: when it’s homework time, bedtime, time to stop playing,” explains Vasco Lopes, PsyD, a clinical psychologist. “The trigger is usually being asked to do something that’s aversive to them or to stop doing something that is fun for them. Especially for children who have ADHD, something that’s not stimulating and requires them to control their physical activity, like a long car ride or a religious service or visiting an elderly relative, is a common trigger for meltdowns.”
Learned behavior
Since parents often find tantrums impossible to tolerate — especially in public — the child may learn implicitly that throwing a tantrum can help them get their way. It becomes a conditioned response. “Even if it only works five out of 10 times that they tantrum, that intermittent reinforcement makes it a very solid learned behavior,” Dr. Lopes adds. “So they’re going to continue that behavior in order to get what they want.”
One of the goals of the functional assessment is to see if some tantrum triggers might be eliminated or changed so they’re not as problematic for the child. “If putting on the child’s shoes or leaving for school is the trigger, obviously we can’t make it go away,” explains Steven Dickstein, MD, who is both a pediatrician and child and adolescent psychiatrist. But sometimes we can change the way parents and other caregivers handle a situation — to defuse it. This could translate into giving kids more warning that a task is required of them, or structuring problematic activities in ways that reduce the likelihood of a tantrum.
“Anticipating those triggers, and modifying them so that it’s easier for the child to engage in that activity is really important,” says Dr. Lopes. “For example, if homework is really difficult for a child, because they have underlying attention, organization, or learning issues, they might have outbursts right before they’re supposed to start their homework. So we say to parents, ‘How can we make doing homework more palatable for them?’ We can give them frequent breaks, support them in areas they have particular difficulty with, organize their work, and break intimidating tasks into smaller chunks.”
Another goal is to consider whether the expectations for the child’s behavior are developmentally appropriate, Dr. Dickstein notes, for their age and particular level of maturity. “Can we modify the environment to make it match the child’s abilities better, and foster development towards maturing?”
It’s important for parents and caregivers to understand two things: first of all, avoiding a tantrum before it begins does not mean “giving in” to a child’s demands. It means separating the unwanted tantrum response from other issues, such as compliance with parental requests. And second, by reducing the likelihood of a tantrum response, you are also taking away the opportunity for reinforcement of that response. When kids don’t tantrum, they learn to deal with needs, desires, and setbacks in a more mature way, and that learning itself reinforces appropriate responses. Fewer tantrums now means…fewer tantrums later.
Responding to tantrums
When tantrums occur, the parent or caregiver’s response affects the likelihood of the behavior happening again. There are lots of very specific protocols to help parents respond consistently, in ways that will minimize tantrum behavior later. They range from Ross Greene’s seminal approach, Collaborative & Proactive Solutions, to step-by-step parent-training programs like Parent-Child Interaction Therapy and Parent Management Training. They have in common the starting point that parents resist the temptation to end the tantrum by giving the child what they want when they tantrum. For outbursts that aren’t dangerous, the goal is to ignore the behavior, to withdraw all parental attention, since even negative attention like reprimanding or trying to persuade the child to stop has been found to positively reinforce the behavior.
Attention is withheld from behavior you want to discourage, and lavished instead on behaviors you want to encourage: when a child makes an effort to calm down or, instead of tantruming, complies or proposes a compromise. “By positively reinforcing compliance and appropriate responses to frustration,” says Dr. Lopes, “you’re teaching skills and — since you can’t comply with a command and tantrum at the same time — simultaneously decreasing that aggressive noncompliant tantrum behavior.”
One thing you don’t want to do is try to reason with a child who is upset. As Dr. Dickstein puts it, “Don’t talk to the kid when they’re not available.” You want to encourage a child to practice at negotiation when they’re not blowing up, and you’re not either. You may need to teach techniques for working through problems, breaking them down step by step for kids who are immature or have deficits in this kind of thinking and communication.
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And you need to model the kind of negotiation you want your child to learn. “Parents should take time outs, too,” notes Dr. Dickstein. ” When you get really angry you need to just take yourself out of the situation. You can’t problem solve when you’re upset — your IQ drops about 30 percent when you are angry.”
Being calm and clear about behavioral expectations is important because it helps you communicate more effectively with a child. “So it’s not, ‘You need to behave today,’” Dr. Lopes says. “It’s, ‘You need to be seated during mealtime, with your hands to yourself, and saying only positive words.’ Those are very observable, concrete things that the child knows what’s expected and that the parent can reinforce with praise and rewards.”
Both you and your child need to build what Dr. Dickstein calls a toolkit for self-soothing, things you can do to calm down, like slow breathing, because you can’t be calm and angry at the same time. There are lots of techniques, he adds, but “The nice thing about breathing is it’s always available to you.”
Frequently Asked Questions
How can parents deal with toddler tantrums?
To deal with toddler tantrums, first try to identify the things that might trigger these tantrums and remove them from the child’s environment. During a tantrum, the goal is to ignore the behavior and withdraw all attention, so the child learns that tantrums won’t get them what they want.How can parents help a child having a meltdown?How can parents stop tantrums?
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James Donaldson is a Washington State University graduate (’79). After an outstanding basketball career with WSU, he went on to play professional basketball in the NBA with the Seattle Supersonics, San Diego/L.A. Clippers, Dallas Mavericks, New York Knicks, and Utah Jazz. He also played for several teams in the European Leagues in Spain, Italy, and Greece, and he toured with The Harlem Globetrotters to wrap up his career. James was an NBA All-Star in 1988 while playing center for the Dallas Mavericks. In 2006, James was inducted into the Pac-10 Sports Hall of Fame and also the Washington State University Athletic Hall of Fame. In 2010, James was elected as a board member for the NBA Retired Players Association.
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