The main aspect of supporting someone through this is compassion, listening and most importantly not over-reacting or becoming upset.
What to do in an emergency
If someone has attempted suicide, call 999 and stay with them until the ambulance arrives.
If you’re worried that someone is at immediate risk of taking their own life, if you feel able:
Remove anything they could use to harm themselves
Stay with them, even if that’s online or over the telephone
Get emergency help
How do you know if someone is suicidal?
Anyone can struggle with suicidal thoughts.
Thinking about suicide could mean:
Having abstract thoughts about ending your life
Feeling that people would be better off without you
Thinking about methods of suicide
Making clear plans to take your own life
Having suicidal thoughts doesn’t necessarily mean that someone will ever attempt to take their own life.
But whether someone has made plans or not, suicidal thoughts should be taken seriously.
Many people find it very hard to talk about suicidal thoughts. They might be worried about how others will react. Or they may be unable to find the words. They might hide how they’re feeling and convince friends or family that they’re coping.
There might not be any warning signs. And you can’t always tell how someone is feeling.
But sometimes people might:
Become withdrawn. They might not want to socialise like they used to, or be very quiet when they do socialise.
Talk about being a burden, feeling trapped, or mention wanting to die
Drink or use drugs more than usual
Act recklessly or take a lot of risks
Seem anxious, depressed, angry, or hopeless
Have trouble sleeping, like sleeping too much or not enough
Say goodbye to people, as if they won’t be seeing them again
Talk about suicide, death, or wanting to kill themself. This could be very specifically, or it could be in a vague, joking way.
Suddenly change their behaviour. For example, seeming motivated or happy after a long period of feeling low without any explanation. Sometimes people act this way when they’ve decided to take their own life.
Just because you might think someone seems happy or think someone has a good life, it doesn’t mean they can’t feel suicidal.
Correctly interpreting how someone else is feeling can be hard. Some of these signs also depend on noticing changes in normal behaviour. This might be hard to do if you don’t know someone very well or don’t see them often.
It’s important not to blame yourself if you aren’t able to spot the signs that someone is feeling suicidal.
Ask them if they feel suicidal
If you’re worried that someone may be suicidal, ask them about it. Even if you don’t know for sure.
It may not feel like the right thing to do. But healthcare professionals recommend asking direct questions about suicide.
You may worry that this might indirectly encourage the person to act on their feelings. But speaking openly about suicide can make it easier for people to open up and seek help.
Asking simple, direct questions can encourage them to be honest about how they’re feeling. Many people feel relieved and less isolated when they’re asked.
What if they say they’re not suicidal but I’m still worried?
If someone tells you they aren’t suicidal but you’re still worried about their wellbeing, remind them that you’re there if they need to talk. Show them that you care about them and continue to check in on them.
It might take them a while to feel like they can open up. Or they might want to talk to someone else. You can remind them that there’s always someone to talk to and support available if they need it.
It can be very distressing if you’re worried about someone who feels suicidal. They may have talked about wanting to end their life. Or you may be concerned that they’re thinking about it. You might have noticed some warning signs.
This person might be very close to you. Or you might not know them very well, or even at all.
But there are some helpful things you can do.
Encourage them to talk about their feelings, either with you or with someone else they trust. They could also talk with a mental health helpline. They might feel more comfortable talking over the phone or online rather than face to face.
Listen to them without judging and offer emotional support. Try not to focus on solving things or making the feeling go away right now. Just listen to what they have to say. And take next steps based on what they feel would work best for them.
Ask if they have a crisis plan or safety plan. They might have one of these if they’ve felt suicidal before. Or if they’ve been experiencing mental health problems for a while. You can look at the plan together and see what steps they need to take, or you could help them with. Our planning for a mental health crisis page has more information about crisis plans.
Help them to make a safety plan if they don’t already have one. This is a plan someone can write to describe what helps them cope when feeling suicidal. It includes how to keep themselves safe. It can also include information on what support they find helpful from others. Staying Safe has safety plan templates you can download or complete online. And Papyrus has suicide safety plan templates available in English and Welsh.
Offer practical support based on what they tell you they need. They might be really struggling with day-to-day tasks. Or they may need support to talk to healthcare professionals.
Stay with them while they’re feeling distressed if you can. Or share the responsibility with others, if the person you’re supporting is comfortable with that. If you can’t be with them in person, you can arrange to check in over the phone or text regularly.
Help them think of ideas for self-help. You could look at some of the information on our website together. You could start with our page of tips for coping with suicidal thoughts.
Encourage them to seek treatment and support. You can ask gentle, neutral questions to encourage them. Like ‘have you tried speaking to your GP?’ or ‘do you have any ideas about what might help you?’.
Don’t make promises you can’t keep. It can feel very scary when someone is having suicidal thoughts. You might feel like you should say anything you can to make them feel better. But it can be damaging if you promise someone something when they’re vulnerable that you don’t intend to follow through with. If you’re not able to support them, make sure you tell someone who can.
It may also be helpful to remove things that someone could use to harm themselves. Particularly if they’ve mentioned specific things they might use.
Someone might experience suicidal thoughts for a long period of time. So it’s also important to keep doing other things you regularly do with them. You might need to adapt these things depending on how they’re feeling, but try not to cancel plans altogether.
Spending time with others can help improve their mood. It also makes sure that your whole relationship doesn’t focus on them feeling suicidal.
Our page on helping someone else to seek help has information on encouraging someone to seek treatment. It also has some examples of emotional and practical help you could offer.
How to talk to someone who is suicidal
Talking to somebody who can listen and be supportive can be the first step towards getting help.
There are lots of ways someone can open up. They could talk to a trusted friend, relative or colleague. They could also talk to a professional such as a doctor or therapist, or a trained listener at a mental health helpline. They can talk to someone in person, over the phone, online or over text.
If you feel able to listen and give emotional support, you could ask them about how they’re feeling.
Here are some tips for having the conversation.
Stay calm. Even though it might be upsetting to hear that someone you care about is distressed, try to stay calm. This will help them feel calmer too.
Don’t skirt around the topic of suicide. There’s still a taboo around talking about suicide. This can make it even harder for people experiencing these feelings to open up and feel understood. But it’s ok to be direct about suicide. You can ask things like ‘are you having suicidal thoughts?’. Or ‘have you felt like you want to end your life?’. This can help someone feel able talk about how they’re feeling.
Ask questions. Some people might prefer open questions. These are questions that invite someone to say more than ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Like ‘how have you been feeling?’ or ‘what happened next?’. But some people might find these kinds of questions too overwhelming. Some might prefer being asked closed, direct questions that have a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer. You can try different things in the conversation. Ask them what they prefer.
Give them time. You might feel anxious to hear their answers. But it helps if you let them take the time they need.
Take them seriously. People who talk about suicide do sometimes act on their feelings. It’s best to assume that they’re telling the truth about feeling suicidal.
Try not to judge. You might feel shocked, upset or frightened. But it’s important not to blame the person for how they’re feeling. They’ve taken a big step by telling you.
Let them know you care without making them feel guilty. You can gently remind them that people care about and love them and are there to help. But it can be unhelpful to say ‘people would be sad’ if they died. Or that it’s ‘selfish’ for them to feel this way. This can make them feel guilty for feelings they can’t control. And it doesn’t normally make them feel less suicidal.
Try not to make assumptions. Let them tell you how they feel, and why. Try not to assume that you already know what may have caused their feelings, or what will help.
Having these conversations can be hard so it’s important to take care of yourself too.
Not undermining their feelings and letting them know that you believe them and want to be there for them is really necessary.
#James Donaldson notes: Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes. Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use. Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.#http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson’s latest book, #CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy
You might notice someone is suicidal when talking to them online. This could be someone you know very well. Or someone you only know in the online world, such as a member of an online forum or gaming community.
You might not know how old they are. Or even if they live in the same country as you.
Many of our tips on this page can still apply online.
But there are some other things you could do to support them as well.
Message them. If you can, send them a direct or private message to check in.
Remind them that there is support out there. You can offer to help them search for support options if you feel able to. If the person you’re talking to is under 18, encourage them to speak to a friend or family member. You can also direct them to Childline if they want to speak to someone confidentially. If they live outside the UK, Child Helpline International has a directory of local child helplines available in other countries.
Report content to the platform you’re using. Some online forums have moderators who can check in with users that post content about being suicidal. Reporting this content might help someone access support.
Contact emergency services if they’ve harmed themselves. If they let you know they’ve hurt themselves or taken steps to take their own life, you can call emergency services for them. You will need to know their name and the address of where they are to do that.
It’s ok to take a break or step away from conversations. Some online forums have moderators who are trained to manage these situations.
You can also signpost people to services with trained advisers, like Samaritans or Shout.
Samaritans has information on supporting someone you’re worried about. It includes a section about supporting someone online. You may find this helpful.
Self-care when you’re worried about someone who is suicidal
Supporting someone who feels suicidal can be emotionally draining. There’s no right or wrong way to feel. You might feel:
Overwhelmed
Anxious or frightened
Powerless or helpless
Exhausted
Unsure of what to do
Angry or upset
Like blaming yourself
You might also find you develop your own suicidal feelings.
It’s important to look after yourself too. We’ve some ideas which may help.
My main focus was keeping him alive – my quality of life didn’t really matter. I began to have my own suicidal ideation.
Look after your own wellbeing
When you’re caring for someone else, you can find that you think a lot about their wellbeing and not about your own.
It’s important to take care of your own physical health and mental health. This includes getting enough sleep, eating regularly and doing things you enjoy or find relaxing.
You may feel that you should spend all of your time and energy trying to support your friend or relative. And feel guilty about wanting time for yourself. But to be able to care for someone else, you need to take time for yourself too.
It can feel easier to take time for yourself if you make a safety plan with the person you’re concerned about. That way you know that they have:
Things they can do to help themselves
Other ways of getting support
Share the responsibility, if you can
If the person you’re supporting is comfortable with it, reach out to other people who might also be able to support them. You can then share responsibility.
If you’re supporting someone online, it’s ok to take a break or step away from conversations. You can signpost people to services like Samaritans or Shout.
And if you’re using an online forum, some forums have moderators who are trained to manage these situations.
Be kind to yourself
It can be hard to accept that someone close to you feels suicidal. Some people worry that they’re to blame if someone else feels suicidal, or if the person doesn’t feel better. But it’s important not to blame yourself for what’s happening.
If you have these sorts of worries talk to someone. There are organisations that support people impacted by suicidal feelings. We have a list of these on our useful contacts – suicidal thoughts page.
Find support for yourself
It may help to talk about your feelings and worries, or get support from people who’ve had similar experiences. You could:
James Donaldson is a Washington State University graduate (’79). After an outstanding basketball career with WSU, he went on to play professional basketball in the NBA with the Seattle Supersonics, San Diego/L.A. Clippers, Dallas Mavericks, New York Knicks, and Utah Jazz. He also played for several teams in the European Leagues in Spain, Italy, and Greece, and he toured with The Harlem Globetrotters to wrap up his career. James was an NBA All-Star in 1988 while playing center for the Dallas Mavericks. In 2006, James was inducted into the Pac-10 Sports Hall of Fame and also the Washington State University Athletic Hall of Fame. In 2010, James was elected as a board member for the NBA Retired Players Association.
James frequently conducts speaking engagements (motivational, inspirational, educational) for organizations, schools, and youth groups.
In 2010, James was the recipient of the NBA Legends of Basketball ABC Award, awarded for outstanding contributions in Athletics–Business–Community.
He believes in being a role model for success and professionalism to the scores of young people to whom he devotes so much of his time. He currently serves on several boards and committees and is a member of many organizations.
James believes in developing relationships that create a “Win-Win” environment for everyone involved, and in being the best he can be!
For more information about James Donaldson or to request he speak at your event, contact him at:
James Donaldson is the author of “Standing Above The Crowd” and “Celebrating Your Gift of Life” and founder of the Your Gift of Life Foundation which focuses on mental health awareness and suicide prevention, especially pertaining to our school aged children and men.
If you’re interested in having James come and speak to your group of young adults, business entrepreneurs, aspiring political and community leaders, and athletic teams, please contact him at jamesd@yourgiftoflife.org and or leave a personal message for him at 1-800-745-3161. Keep up with him and read about how he is reaching out and making a difference in the lives of so many around the world at www.yourgiftoflife.org
