I don’t remember ever being told that I was adopted. Like a lot of other adoptees, I feel like I have “always known.” While my adoption was closed, my parents spoke about it openly. And when I was four years old, I watched them go through the process of adopting my little brother. Being adopted has always felt like a natural part of my life. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have complicated feelings about it.
It’s normal for kids (and adults) to have difficult emotions about being adopted — and also really love their family. With that in mind, here is some guidance on how to talk to your child about being adopted, open the door to their questions, and navigate more challenging conversations as they get older.
Talk about adoption early and often
The best time to tell a child they’re adopted is now, says Larisa Litvinov, PhD, a psychologist and the director of the ADHD and Behavior Disorders Center at the Child Mind Institute. Dr. Litvinov previously spent 15 years working with adoptees and their families with UCLA TIES for Families in Los Angeles.
“We really, really emphasize talking about adoption from day one, from minute one,” she says. Even if they’re an infant. Kids will begin to understand what you’re saying earlier than you think — but that’s almost beside the point because talking about adoption as early as possible is actually so you can get used to it. You want your kid to view their adoption as just a normal part of who they are, but you have to get there first.
Some adoptive parents worry little kids won’t understand — they don’t need to any more than a biological child needs to understand reproduction when you say they came from your tummy.
So, please don’t put it off. “Sometimes parents wait too long and then they don’t know when a good time to tell them is,” says Dr. Litvinov. Waiting to tell a child they’re adopted sends the message that being adopted is shameful. It can also hurt your relationship; kids can feel betrayed, like you were keeping a secret from them on purpose.
Tell their adoption story
If you need some help, Dr. Litvinov recommends reading picture books about adoption with your child if they’re very young — some of her favorites are listed below. She (and pretty much every other expert) also recommends telling them their own adoption story.
An adoption story is basically a bedtime story — in fact, my adoption story was one of my bedtime stories. “We told it to you at the level we felt you would understand at any point in time,” my mom explains, “and then we added things along the way.”
My adoption story is about how my parents met me for the first time — but it also involves my foster parents, my social worker, and my birth parents (even though my parents never met them). I was adopted too young to remember any of these people, but I knew them, and understood they loved me, through the story.
My mom always talks about our adoptions (mine and my brother’s, which were separate) as fated, meant to be. We are meant to be a family, but we are meant to be this family, is how she explains it. From an early age she told me that it was just as important that I was born to my birth parents because I wouldn’t be me — look the way I look, have the talents that I have — if I hadn’t been.
An adoption story is an origin story that tells kids that they are adopted, that they are loved for who they are, and that they belong.
Fielding questions from young children
There are different kinds of adoption, and adoptee experiences are shaped by a host of individual factors. That said, there are some common patterns, themes, and questions that tend to emerge in kids at variousdevelopmental stages.
Kids who were adopted very young often have more questions around age seven or eight, says Dr. Litvinov. Developmentally, their thinking is becoming more complex and a little less self-focused, meaning they have a greater awareness of other people’s thoughts and feelings. It’s normal for kids of this age to ask questions like, “Why wasn’t my birth mom able to keep me? Do I have brothers or sisters? Did she keep them?”
Do your best to answer their questions, even if that means admitting that you don’t know. So, your answer to “Do I have siblings?” might be something like, “Not that we were told” or “We were told….”
Don’t knock your kid’s birth parents
Experts emphasize the importance of presenting a child’s birth parents in a positive light. “Talking negatively about a birth parent is a big no-no but can often be really hard for families, especially if they have read or heard horrible things about what the child went through,” says Megan Ice, PhD, a psychologist at the Child Mind Institute who specializes in working with adoptees and their families.
While your angry feelings may be valid, they should be processed with another adult or a therapist, not your child. Any suggestion that a birth parent is “bad” can make kids feel bad about themselves. “You don’t want kids to have this kind of bifurcated feeling of like, well, are all my bad parts from my birth family?” says Dr. Litvinov. “Because that could be the message.”
But don’t lie about them
Some kids have birth parents who are unable to care for them because they’re in prison or jail or have a substance use issue. These can be tough things for a child to understand, but don’t lie about them, even if you mean well.
“Sometimes parents will say, ‘Your birth parent was sick, and they couldn’t take care of you,’” says Dr. Litvinov. “That’s not a great message because then the child worries every time their adoptive parent is sick. Like, ‘Oh, you’re going to get rid of me, too.’”
In general, though, shielding kids from a difficult backstory gives them a false view of reality — which just makes it more painful for them when they discover it. Instead, experts recommend telling the truth in a way that is appropriate for the child’s age. At first, that might sound something like, “Your birth parent was really struggling. They loved you and wanted you to be taken care of because they knew they couldn’t do it themselves.” As kids get a little older, you can consult an adoption counselor or mental health professional about the best way to explain their birth story in more detail. Holly van Gulden, an adoption counselor and author of the classic guidebook Real Parents, Real Children, offers further guidance for sharing difficult things — because no matter how painful the situation, it’s always better coming from you.
Support self-discovery
Kids may also start to develop more of an awareness that they look different from you and want to know more about their ethnic or cultural background. Embrace their curiosity and actively help them feel less like an outsider.
Facilitate ways for them to meet other kids who are adopted through adoption groups, clubs, or summer camps. This is particularly important for transracial adoptees — adoptee and advocate Angela Tucker has written about how important it was for her to attend a summer camp specifically for Black adoptees with white families.
If your child is a different race or ethnicity than you are, don’t just ignore it. For one thing, no one else will ignore it, which is disorienting for a kid. You want kids to feel good about their identity, not like a curiosity.
So, get to know your child’s ethnic background and feel as comfortable talking about it with them as you do their adoption. Give them opportunities to meet other people that share their background — and prepare them to deal with racism, which can be particularly confusing for transracial adoptees, who may not understand what’s happening or how to respond.
As a parent, it’s important to try to anticipate their needs and challenges instead of just responding to them in the moment. You don’t have to be perfect, just open, honest, and willing to learn as they grow.
Conversations with teens and tweens
As kids enter the teen years, they’re more likely to consider their adoption through the lens of building their identity. “As in, ‘What part of me is from my birth parents? What part of me is from you? What part is myself?’” says Dr. Litvinov. So, here are some things to keep in mind.
Validate their feelings
Adolescents can begin to think about their adoption in new ways that might feel confusing, sad, and hard to define. In an attempt to explain this phenomenon, Jae Ran Kim, PhD, MSW, an adoptee, educator, and social worker, uses the concept of ambiguous loss. In general, it describes a loss with no clear resolution — a soldier missing in action, for example, or a partner who leaves without saying why.
Feelings of grief can be hard for adoptive parents to understand, especially if their child was adopted very young. “Try not to minimize any feelings they might have about their adoption,” says Dr. Ice. “Like, ‘Oh, you don’t even remember that, so it shouldn’t be affecting you.’” For some adoptees, the not remembering is the loss.
Some adoptees don’t know anything about their birth family. Others know a lot but still experience sadness, or a nagging feeling of being out of place. As an adoptive parent, your role is supportive, “to sit with them in the not knowing,” Dr. Litvinov says.
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Teens can say hurtful things to any parent but hearing something like “I wish you weren’t my mom” as an adoptive parent hits a little differently. Nonetheless, Dr. Ice and Dr. Litvinov advise validating these emotions, too.
Try to reframe the insult as an attempt to communicate an upsetting emotion, Dr. Ice says. “You can say something like, ‘It seems like it’s feeling really hard to be adopted right now. Tell me more about it.’ Something that’s just kind of getting more to the ‘what can we learn from this’ instead of feeling rejected and hurt.”
If conflict with your teen begins to feel beyond your control it’s okay to ask for professional help — Dr. Ice and Dr. Litvinov have worked with countless families in this context, using various behavioral therapy techniques. “Sometimes we think that love will be enough for everything,” says Dr. Ice. But sometimes kids need more support, especially if they have had upsetting experiences prior to being adopted.
Follow your child’s lead
Both Dr. Litvinov and Dr. Ice advise, above all, that you follow your child’s lead. Even when they’re young and can’t quite communicate what they want. For example, does celebrating their adoption day seem to make them uncomfortable? Talk to them about it, but don’t force it.
Because all kids are different. Some kids ask a lot of questions, some ask none; some kids want to embrace their birth culture from an early age, some wait until they’re old enough to do it on their own terms.
“You just keep on validating and following the child’s lead no matter what their age is, just supporting them and hearing them,” says Dr. Litvinov. “Like, ‘I am open to you going and finding your birth parent or us looking at your adoption records together, whatever you need. I’m always here for you.’”
