James Donaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for mental health awareness and suicide prevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of depression and suicidal thoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space. http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
We don’t get over the loss of a friend or family member, but we do get used to it. Here’s how to cope.
Several days ago I sat with a group of adults who lost a colleague to suicide. As we talked about his death, several in the group started crying. Despite the passage of time, simply talking about him brought waves of grief.
But unlike other causes of death, the group also felt guilt. Why didn’t they know how depressed he was? Why didn’t they see his pain?
I had a close friend, Andy, who killed himself. He was a professor of mine in graduate school. He was a wonderful, talented man. But he was also an alcoholic. And over time, his drinking increased. He lost his job at the university, he lost his partner, and hung himself in his 50s. I have his picture on my kitchen window sill, and look at this photograph every day. I miss him terribly.
Like all survivors of suicide, I felt a sense of guilt. Why didn’t I know he was so desperate? I wished I had known and reached out to him. It’s been 25 years since he died, and I still feel that way.
Throughout history, suicide has been a cause of death. It’s not particular to modern life, the industrial revolution or the 21st century. But that doesn’t make it less painful for survivors.
When someone takes their own life, family and friends feel a sense of failure. Why couldn’t we do something? We wonder, did we, as a community, neglect this person? After the fact, it’s sometimes easy to see signs of depression with our perfect 20/20 hindsight.
I think of suicide as a form of accidental death. I imagine that many suicide victims, if they could look back, would choose a different path. It’s often impulsive (although not always) and the victim feels that their family would be better off if they were gone. But this is never true — it’s a distorted belief that arises out of deep despair. Given time, more rational thoughts could take hold.
As a mental health professional I am not immune to the statistics of suicide. As a psychologist, over my 40-year career, seeing thousands of patients, I have had several patients die by suicide. I felt intense grief over their death and terrible sadness for their families.
So how can we cope with this kind of loss?
Don’t rationalize your feelings. When someone dies by suicide, survivors will experience a wide range of emotions. Let them be and recognize that they have their place. They are a response to something tragic that occurred. Telling yourself not to feel guilty is not helpful. But just because you feel guilty doesn’t mean that you are guilty.
We don’t get over loss. Yes, there is often a year or more of intense mourning. Grief comes in waves, and during the first year, those waves come more often. But 20 years later, those waves can still knock you over. We don’t get over loss, but we do get used to the loss of a loved one. Their absence becomes more familiar over time.
Get help. The suicidal death of a friend or relative can generate what we call “complicated” grieving. Coping with suicide is challenging. Don’t be afraid to seek counseling for yourself.
Paul Schoenfeld is director of The Everett Clinic’s Center for Behavioral Health. His Family Talk Blog can be found at www.everettclinic.com/family-talk-blog.
James Donaldson is a Washington State University graduate (’79). After an outstanding basketball career with WSU, he went on to play professional basketball in the NBA with the Seattle Supersonics, San Diego/L.A. Clippers, Dallas Mavericks, New York Knicks, and Utah Jazz. He also played for several teams in the European Leagues in Spain, Italy, and Greece, and he toured with The Harlem Globetrotters to wrap up his career. James was an NBA All-Star in 1988 while playing center for the Dallas Mavericks. In 2006, James was inducted into the Pac-10 Sports Hall of Fame and also the Washington State University Athletic Hall of Fame. In 2010, James was elected as a board member for the NBA Retired Players Association.
James frequently conducts speaking engagements (motivational, inspirational, educational) for organizations, schools, and youth groups.
In 2010, James was the recipient of the NBA Legends of Basketball ABC Award, awarded for outstanding contributions in Athletics–Business–Community.
He believes in being a role model for success and professionalism to the scores of young people to whom he devotes so much of his time. He currently serves on several boards and committees and is a member of many organizations.
James believes in developing relationships that create a “Win-Win” environment for everyone involved, and in being the best he can be!
For more information about James Donaldson or to request he speak at your event, contact him at:
www.StandingAboveTheCrowd.com
JamesD@StandingAboveTheCrowd.com
1-800-745-3161 (voicemail & fax)
James Donaldson is the author of “Standing Above The Crowd” and “Celebrating Your Gift of Life” and founder of the Your Gift of Life Foundation which focuses on mental health awareness and suicide prevention, especially pertaining to our school aged children and men.
If you’re interested in having James come and speak to your group of young adults, business entrepreneurs, aspiring political and community leaders, and athletic teams, please contact him at jamesd@yourgiftoflife.org and or leave a personal message for him at 1-800-745-3161. Keep up with him and read about how he is reaching out and making a difference in the lives of so many around the world at www.yourgiftoflife.org