When children act out more than occasionally — with frequent tantrums, outbursts or defiance — the first step to dealing with the problem behavior is finding out what’s behind it. And the cause may not be obvious.
Especially when children are young, they may not be able to tell you what they’re feeling. And in fact they may not even know what’s bothering them.
Tantrums and outbursts are usually signs that kids are struggling with feelings they don’t have the skills to manage. They may be overwhelmed by their frustration or anger and not know how to express themselves more effectively, or calm themselves down. They may need help developing skills to control their behavior.
But if it’s happening a lot, it could be caused by a number of underlying issues.
Anxiety
We tend to think of anxious kids as shy, clingy or timid, but anxiety can also cause kids to act out. When anxious children are put into situations that trigger their anxiety, they may lash out or have a tantrum in an effort to escape that situation.
It’s not uncommon for it to happen at school, where demands and expectations may put pressure on them that they can’t handle. For instance, if a child who has social anxiety feels criticized, they might throw books and papers on the floor, or punch the person making them uncomfortable. And that behavior can be very confusing to teachers and other staff, since it seems to come out of nowhere.
ADHD is usually diagnosed when kids are having trouble paying attention. But for many children with the disorder — and their parents — behavior is a big problem, too. They may ignore instructions. And they may lash out, throw a tantrum or be defiant when they are asked to do things they don’t want to do.
This behavior is often a result of ADHD symptoms. They may not do what they’re told because they are distracted, or because it’s unusually hard for them to tolerate tasks that are difficult or boring. They’re especially likely to misbehave if they’re asked to stop doing something they enjoy, like playing a video game. So things like homework, going to bed, getting dressed and coming to dinner can become battlegrounds.
Children with ADHD are also more impulsive than other kids. They may be overwhelmed with frustration or other powerful feelings, and might impulsively throw a shoe or push someone or yell “shut up!”
If a child acts out repeatedly in school or during homework time it could be the result of a learning disorder. If, for instance, they have trouble with math problems or a writing assignment, rather than ask for help, they might rip up the paper or start something with another child to create a diversion.
Kids who find learning harder than other kids do can be very frustrated and lose their temper frequently. And if they don’t know they have a learning disorder, they can worry that they’re stupid. So they often tend to hide their struggles. Getting into trouble might be less painful than letting people know that something is wrong with them. Paying attention to when the problem behavior happens can lead to exposing a learning issue and getting a child help.
Children who have trouble processing sensory information can have extreme and confusing behavior when their senses are overwhelmed. They might do things like scream if their faces get wet or have a meltdown if they’re in a situation that’s too bright, noisy or crowded. They might refuse to wear clothes that they find uncomfortable or eat food that feels wrong in their mouths.
Kids with sensory problems can also be rigid about routines and get upset or resist changes that seem insignificant to other people. They are also at risk for running away when an environment feels too overwhelming for them. The “fight or flight” response can kick in when kids are feeling overloaded with sensory input, and their panicked reactions can put them in real danger.
Some children who have frequent temper tantrums have a disorder called disruptive mood dysregulation disorder, or DMDD. These kids have severe tantrums with chronic irritability in between outbursts. They tend to view thigs negatively, and are quick to explode over issues that seem minor to other people.
Children on the autism spectrum are often prone to dramatic meltdowns. These children tend to be rigid — dependent on consistent routines for their emotional comfort — and any unexpected change can set them off. And they may lack the language and communication skills to express what they want or need.
Some behavior problems in kids with autism can be caused by medical issues that have gone unrecognized, especially in kids who are nonverbal. These include things like acid reflux, constipation, allergies, menstrual cramps, ear infections and even bone fractures. All kids exhibit more negative behaviors when they don’t feel well, and kids on the spectrum may explode out of frustration that they are in pain and don’t know how to communicate it, or make it stop.
#James Donaldson notes: Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes. Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use. Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.#http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson’s latest book, #CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy
Children who have been subjected to trauma or abuse often have trouble managing strong emotions. As babies and toddlers, children learn from adults how to calm and soothe themselves by being calmed and soothed by adults. If they haven’t had that experience, because of neglect, they can be quick to act out when they get upset, and have trouble calming down. They need coaching and practice at de-escalating when they feel overwhelmed.
Kids who have experienced trauma also tend to interpret other people as hostile to them, so they may act out irritably in response. They may develop the belief that they’re bad, and what’s happened to them is their fault. This leads to the expectation that people are not going to like them or treat them well, so there’s no point in trying to behave.
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James Donaldson is a Washington State University graduate (’79). After an outstanding basketball career with WSU, he went on to play professional basketball in the NBA with the Seattle Supersonics, San Diego/L.A. Clippers, Dallas Mavericks, New York Knicks, and Utah Jazz. He also played for several teams in the European Leagues in Spain, Italy, and Greece, and he toured with The Harlem Globetrotters to wrap up his career. James was an NBA All-Star in 1988 while playing center for the Dallas Mavericks. In 2006, James was inducted into the Pac-10 Sports Hall of Fame and also the Washington State University Athletic Hall of Fame. In 2010, James was elected as a board member for the NBA Retired Players Association.
James frequently conducts speaking engagements (motivational, inspirational, educational) for organizations, schools, and youth groups.
In 2010, James was the recipient of the NBA Legends of Basketball ABC Award, awarded for outstanding contributions in Athletics–Business–Community.
He believes in being a role model for success and professionalism to the scores of young people to whom he devotes so much of his time. He currently serves on several boards and committees and is a member of many organizations.
James believes in developing relationships that create a “Win-Win” environment for everyone involved, and in being the best he can be!
For more information about James Donaldson or to request he speak at your event, contact him at:
James Donaldson is the author of “Standing Above The Crowd” and “Celebrating Your Gift of Life” and founder of the Your Gift of Life Foundation which focuses on mental health awareness and suicide prevention, especially pertaining to our school aged children and men.
If you’re interested in having James come and speak to your group of young adults, business entrepreneurs, aspiring political and community leaders, and athletic teams, please contact him at [email protected] and or leave a personal message for him at 1-800-745-3161. Keep up with him and read about how he is reaching out and making a difference in the lives of so many around the world at www.yourgiftoflife.org
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