1. Don’t fight in front of them. Research shows that the worst thing for kids is to see their parents fight with each other. The technical term for what you want to avoid is “expressed affect,” which essentially means yelling and screaming. If kids don’t see their parents yelling and screaming at each other, they do better than if they do see them bickering.
2. Dogive them access to both of you. The other thing that’s bad for kids is to lose contact with — or access to — one of the parents. You have to find a way to make sure that during the initial conflict, and then subsequently over the years, kids have unfettered relationships with both parents.
3.Don’t make them choose. If you make it a test of loyalty, children will feel as if they’re only allowed to love one parent, and if they love the other parent it’s going to be a betrayal of the first parent. This is a terrible situation for kids to be in.
4.Don’t confide in them. Insulating the children from the conflict means parents shouldn’t be sharing information with them. When you feel that the court or the opposing attorney has done you wrong, it’s tempting to tell the kids about it, but it’s totally inappropriate. You want to keep your kids as far away from the legal battle as possible.
5. Don’t use them as a weapon. It’s important to remember that you were probably both pretty good parents before the divorce process started. Now you’re going to be looking for all sorts of little problems with each other’s parenting, but most of those are irrelevant. You need to focus on the big issues and you need to keep your kids out of it.
6. Think of what’s fair to the kids, not to you. A lot of times in a divorce the parents are focused on what’s fair to them; they feel that their rights have been breached in some way or another. But the truth is that sometimes what’s fair to a parent is not fair to a kid. What you really want to focus on is what’s good for the children, not what’s fair to you.
The good news is that the great majority of kids whose parents divorce do well. The data on the effect of divorce shows that, although there is a statistically significant negative effect, it’s a tiny one — a quarter of a standard deviation. The kids who don’t do well are those who have been exposed to chronic parental conflict and those who have been alienated from one parent or another. As long as you can insulate your kids from the conflict, it’s likely that they’ll turn out just fine.
#James Donaldson notes: Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes. Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use. Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.#http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson’s latest book, #CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy
James Donaldson is a Washington State University graduate (’79). After an outstanding basketball career with WSU, he went on to play professional basketball in the NBA with the Seattle Supersonics, San Diego/L.A. Clippers, Dallas Mavericks, New York Knicks, and Utah Jazz. He also played for several teams in the European Leagues in Spain, Italy, and Greece, and he toured with The Harlem Globetrotters to wrap up his career. James was an NBA All-Star in 1988 while playing center for the Dallas Mavericks. In 2006, James was inducted into the Pac-10 Sports Hall of Fame and also the Washington State University Athletic Hall of Fame. In 2010, James was elected as a board member for the NBA Retired Players Association.
James frequently conducts speaking engagements (motivational, inspirational, educational) for organizations, schools, and youth groups.
In 2010, James was the recipient of the NBA Legends of Basketball ABC Award, awarded for outstanding contributions in Athletics–Business–Community.
He believes in being a role model for success and professionalism to the scores of young people to whom he devotes so much of his time. He currently serves on several boards and committees and is a member of many organizations.
James believes in developing relationships that create a “Win-Win” environment for everyone involved, and in being the best he can be!
For more information about James Donaldson or to request he speak at your event, contact him at:
James Donaldson is the author of “Standing Above The Crowd” and “Celebrating Your Gift of Life” and founder of the Your Gift of Life Foundation which focuses on mental health awareness and suicide prevention, especially pertaining to our school aged children and men.
If you’re interested in having James come and speak to your group of young adults, business entrepreneurs, aspiring political and community leaders, and athletic teams, please contact him at jamesd@yourgiftoflife.org and or leave a personal message for him at 1-800-745-3161. Keep up with him and read about how he is reaching out and making a difference in the lives of so many around the world at www.yourgiftoflife.org
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