Kids can be really mean to each other. Even best friends are mean to each other sometimes. When a kid is teased or left out or someone is mean to them, it doesn’t always mean they’re being bullied.
So how do you know if your kid is being bullied? Bullies target kids who are smaller or younger or less popular. They hurt other kids physically or emotionally on purpose. They do it over and over and sometimes they get other kids to join in the bullying. Bullying can make kids feel anxious and depressed. It needs to be taken seriously.
If your kid tells you they’re being bullied, it’s important to let your child know you’ll help solve the problem. First, get the facts. Try acting like a reporter. You can ask questions like, “Were lots of kids around when they said that to you?” “Are they a really popular kid?” “What were the other kids doing?” This will give you a better idea of what happened. And if it happens two or three times you might need to get involved. This could mean contacting a teacher or the school principal. But try to get your kid’s permission before you do that. If they’re really against it, you can hold off but let them know it’s an option if things get worse.
Talking about bullying before it happens can prepare your child. You can practice having your child say things like, “Hey, don’t talk to me that way,” and other things that make them feel like they have some power. You can suggest that your child talk to their friends and ask them how they’ve handled bullies. Friends can also agree to stand up for each other. Bullies hate that!
We are all aware that being bullied as a child is not a trivial thing. It not only causes acute suffering, it has been linked to long-term emotional problems, and children who lack strong parental support seem to encounter the most lasting damage.
But we also know that it’s part of growing up to have painful or embarrassing social experiences, and that learning to rebound from these interactions is an important skill for kids to learn.
If our kids complain about bullying, we want to take their complaints very seriously, give them the support and tools to handle it, and intervene on their behalf when needed. But we don’t want to teach them that every negative experience with their peers is a form of bullying.
Kids I’m working with will say, “I was being bullied.” And when they describe what happened, sometimes it was really just teasing. Maybe someone was giving them a hard time and it was difficult to deal with. But not every incident of meanness, rejection or hostility is bullying.
When does teasing or harassment become bullying?
When there’s a power difference: Bullying is done by someone in a position of power — it might be in the form of physical strength, or popularity — and it is directed at someone who is perceived as less powerful.
When there’s intention to cause harm. Bullying can take the form of a physical or verbal attack, making threats, spreading rumors, or excluding someone from a group on purpose. It’s not inadvertent.
When it’s repeated: Bullying behavior is an ongoing pattern of hostile or abusive actions directed at the child who is the target.
When it does cause harm: Behavior becomes bullying when it impairs the well-being or functioning of the child who’s targeted.
If your child reports to you that they have been bullied, my advice is to take it very seriously, because, if nothing else, it really hurt their feelings and they’re struggling with it. You want to listen and express empathy without treating them as if they’re fragile. You want to model a confident we-can-solve-this-problem attitude.
What you don’t want to do is express shock and anger and vow immediately to go to the school, or talk to the bully’s parents. Tempering your response encourages your child to open up.
Before giving bullying advice, collect the facts
Your first job is to try to get a detailed picture of what happened. It’s hard when you’re a parent because your stomach flips, your protective impulses kick in, and you just want to punish the kid who hurt your child’s feelings. But it’s more effective to be like a reporter: “Okay, who was there? What was going on? What was said, exactly? What did you do? How did you feel?”
You’re gathering all the data, the evidence of what happened. The details are important, not for the purpose of invalidating your child’s feelings or minimizing what happened — “Well, that doesn’t sound like it was really that bad” — but just so that you can tailor your strategies better.
Part of the goal of asking questions is to get a sense of the social hierarchy.
You might say, “Was it a big group of kids? Were lots of kids surrounding him when he said that to you? Is he a really popular kid? What were the other kids doing?” And it also gives you a sense of how embarrassing it might have been.
#James Donaldson notes: Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes. Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use. Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.#http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson’s latest book, #CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy
Once you’ve asked your child exactly what happened, here’s some bullying advice to consider:
Practice assertiveness. That means showing confidence both verbally and nonverbally. Suggest that your child try standing tall and saying, “Don’t talk to me like that!” It can help to script some things your child could say and role-play — you do it first, and then let your child try it out.
Find allies. Suggest that your child talk to their friends about ways they might handle it and ways they’ve handled stuff that’s similar. Their friends may have some good ideas, and it will make them feel less isolated.
Get involved. Activities that your child is good at, that they enjoy, are very protective. Because if they’re doing something they enjoy, and they’re thriving, they’re not going to care as much. The confidence they feel when they’re in their element will carry over to environments in which they’re less secure.
Enlist adults. If your child needs an adult advocate, consider contacting a teacher or school administrator. First, try to get your child’s permission, telling them, “I really want to call the teacher and ask him to keep an eye on it.” If they’re adamantly against it, I would keep the option open, saying, “I’m not going to now, and I will tell you before I do.” So there’s some perception of control. But you’re also teaching them a lesson: “Listen, yes it might be embarrassing, but you need to stand up for yourself. And self-advocacy is more important.”
Monitor incidents. One incident isn’t necessarily bullying, but you want to notice if it’s becoming a pattern. Tell your child to let you know if it happens again. You might say, “I want to stay on top of this and make sure we solve it.”
Be prepared. It’s important to talk about bullying even if it hasn’t happened, so that if it does your child is better equipped to recognize it and more comfortable telling you about it.
Form a partnership with the teacher. Let your child’s teacher know that you hope they’ll touch base with you whenever there’s something concerning, and that you hope they don’t mind if you do the same.
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James Donaldson is a Washington State University graduate (’79). After an outstanding basketball career with WSU, he went on to play professional basketball in the NBA with the Seattle Supersonics, San Diego/L.A. Clippers, Dallas Mavericks, New York Knicks, and Utah Jazz. He also played for several teams in the European Leagues in Spain, Italy, and Greece, and he toured with The Harlem Globetrotters to wrap up his career. James was an NBA All-Star in 1988 while playing center for the Dallas Mavericks. In 2006, James was inducted into the Pac-10 Sports Hall of Fame and also the Washington State University Athletic Hall of Fame. In 2010, James was elected as a board member for the NBA Retired Players Association.
James frequently conducts speaking engagements (motivational, inspirational, educational) for organizations, schools, and youth groups.
In 2010, James was the recipient of the NBA Legends of Basketball ABC Award, awarded for outstanding contributions in Athletics–Business–Community.
He believes in being a role model for success and professionalism to the scores of young people to whom he devotes so much of his time. He currently serves on several boards and committees and is a member of many organizations.
James believes in developing relationships that create a “Win-Win” environment for everyone involved, and in being the best he can be!
For more information about James Donaldson or to request he speak at your event, contact him at:
James Donaldson is the author of “Standing Above The Crowd” and “Celebrating Your Gift of Life” and founder of the Your Gift of Life Foundation which focuses on mental health awareness and suicide prevention, especially pertaining to our school aged children and men.
If you’re interested in having James come and speak to your group of young adults, business entrepreneurs, aspiring political and community leaders, and athletic teams, please contact him at jamesd@yourgiftoflife.org and or leave a personal message for him at 1-800-745-3161. Keep up with him and read about how he is reaching out and making a difference in the lives of so many around the world at www.yourgiftoflife.org
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