Holidays are supposed to be happy family events, but a lot of times they can be very stressful. Here are some things parents can do to help the holidays go more smoothly.
A lot of behavior problems can be avoided by telling your kids exactly what you expect of them at an aunt or grandparent’s house. It’s good to be as specific as possible. It’s just as important to let your relatives and friends know what to expect of your child. And it’s good to let them know that it’s not up to them to criticize or fix your kid.
If your child is easily over-stimulated by noise and people, it’s a good idea to find a place where they can go to just chill out and take a break. For kids with lots of extra energy, giving them plenty of activities to do in the car and taking breaks to let them run around can help.
Kids who don’t like to be touched or hugged or don’t like to talk around people they don’t know shouldn’t be made to do so. And relatives hosting gatherings should be told what a child’s limits are and not demand more.
If you have a child who’s a picky eater, you might want to bring some food they really like, especially if the holiday is centered around a meal. You can still encourage them to try something new, but that way you’ll know they won’t go hungry.
All parents would love it if their kids became best friends with cousins they see on holidays. But that doesn’t happen just because kids are the same age. Parents can show kids that even if they don’t really like a relative, they still need to be polite.
Know that no holiday is going to be perfect. If you and your child can come away with one or two good memories, you’ve done a good job.
#James Donaldson notes: Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes. Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use. Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.#http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson’s latest book, #CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy
We know from the songs and movies that holidays are supposed to be an exciting, meaningful time for families to reunite and celebrate the things we cherish. We set aside time to practice both religious rituals and family traditions, we give thanks, and, of course, later on, we give presents. But sometimes holiday gatherings are less magical and more, well, stressful.
The vacation from school and work means a break from routine, something kids and parents alike depend on. Many families travel, facing traffic and long airplane rides, to attend one or more family get-togethers with rarely seen relatives who expect kisses and catching up. And most of these occasions will involve unfamiliar vegetable dishes.
How can anxious or easily frustrated children hope to survive all that? We’ve compiled a list of seasonal tips to help all kids — and parents — enjoy the party.
Minimize conflict over behavior
Your kids know the rules at your house, but in the excitement and novelty of a relative’s home, good behavior can be a casualty. Always have a conversation before leaving your house about how you expect your children to behave, and don’t shy away from specifics.
“Knowing what the rules are at someone else’s house is always helpful for kids,” says Steven Dickstein, MD, a child and adolescent psychiatrist. “They know that you behave differently in church or synagogue than you do on the basketball court; they need to know what the rules are at grandma’s house.” If you have any questions about the house rules, don’t be afraid to ask.
Talk to your hosts early
Besides preparing your children, sometimes it’s necessary to prepare your relatives so they know what to expect. “A child who has behavior difficulties at school is going to have them at grandma’s house,” warns Dr. Dickstein, “so make sure their expectations are realistic. As a parent you never want to put your children in a situation where they’re set up to fail.”
Dr. Dickstein also recommends putting a moratorium on criticizing. “Warn family members about sensitive topics in the same way you’d warn people in advance that your child has a nut allergy,” advises Dr. Dickstein. If you have a body-conscious teen, no one should chide them for taking seconds on mashed potatoes. If your brother doesn’t believe ADHD is real, now isn’t the time to discuss it.
Plan ahead for some peace and quiet
For kids who are easily overstimulated or sensitive to things like noise and crowds,Rachel Busman, PsyD, a clinical psychologist, recommends arranging for another room they can use when they need a break. “During family gatherings we want to achieve a balance between being social with relatives while also knowing that, if things get too overwhelming and intense, there’s a place to take a break and just be quiet.”
Keep kids occupied
Kids like structured activities, and they’ll probably be missing them while school is out. Fortunately the holidays lend themselves to art projects and family-friendly movies that kids enjoy. You can even start new family traditions like cutting out and decorating sugar cookies or throwing a ball around outside.
If you are traveling with a child who will need to sit in a car for any length of time, Dr. Busman advises packing a bag with multiple activities, particularly if the child has a lot of energy. “Don’t just think four or five activities will be enough because you could be through those things before you even get on the highway,” she says.
When traveling Dr. Busman also recommends planning for breaks, even if it’s not that long of a trip. “Kids who get restless or have difficulty managing their impulsive behavior might really benefit from getting out of the car and running around for a few minutes.”
Discuss social expectations
Parents should have different social expectations for different kids, and if necessary, communicate them to your extended family. “You want to avoid those mandatory hugs and kisses or cheek-pinching for kids that don’t do that or like it,” says Dr. Dickstein.
Kids with selective mutism should not be pressured to talk during family gatherings (and relatives shouldn’t expect them to talk either). If you have an autistic child who has been working on their social skills, maybe you can agree that they will sit at the table next to you and talk to familiar people — others should be expected to understand.
Getting along with cousins and other kids they don’t see often can be a challenge. Just because kids are approximately the same age doesn’t mean they’ll be natural friends, but they should still try to get along — with adult support if needed. If your daughter gets easily frustrated when she doesn’t get her way, encourage her to share and be polite with her cousins — and let her know she should find you if conflict arises that they can’t settle amicably.
Dr. Dickstein says family gatherings can be a teachable moment. “Let kids know that family is important and sometimes you have to deal with people you don’t really like, but you should work it out if you can. As parents you are probably doing that with your relatives too, so you can model good social behavior.”
Think about the menu
Family gatherings centered on a meal can put a lot of pressure on kids who are picky eaters or who have sensory issues that limit their diet. If you are going to someone else’s house for dinner and you know the menu will be a problem, Dr. Busman suggests packing something your child will eat and bringing it with you.
Have a conversation with your child ahead of time to reassure them, explaining, “I know we’re going over to your aunt’s house and there’s going to be some different foods there, but we’ll make sure that we bring some things that you like. It would be great if you could try something else, too.” Exploring new foods is good for kids, but it shouldn’t be the most important thing.
Manage your expectations
Both Dr. Busman and Dr. Dickstein agree that managing your own expectations of what the holidays “should” be like is the most essential step to any holiday gathering. “As parents we should check in with ourselves over what our own expectations are and not extend them to our kids,” says Dr. Busman. “It would be great if the kids could sit at the table and eat a nice holiday meal with us, but they’re probably not going to want to sit still for a long time. It’s important to appreciate that kids might find the fun in other things, like watching a movie with their cousins or running around outside. And that’s OK.”
Dr. Dickstein advises identifying one or two things you would like your kids to get out of the holidays — an idea, a value, a memory of doing something special together as a family — and work on achieving that. “But above all, give yourself a break,” he says. “You can’t make everyone happy, and perfect holidays are nonexistent. Think of all those Hollywood comedies about disastrous family gatherings. There’s a reason why they’re funny.”
Frequently Asked Questions
How can I manage holiday hardships?
You can manage holiday behavior challenges by communicating expectations to your child before leaving the house. For example, you can tell them explicitly that running inside isn’t allowed at their grandparents’ house. Also, you can try to keep them occupied, schedule some quiet time during the gathering so they aren’t over-stimulated, and talk to the hosts ahead of time so that expectations are realistic.
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James Donaldson is a Washington State University graduate (’79). After an outstanding basketball career with WSU, he went on to play professional basketball in the NBA with the Seattle Supersonics, San Diego/L.A. Clippers, Dallas Mavericks, New York Knicks, and Utah Jazz. He also played for several teams in the European Leagues in Spain, Italy, and Greece, and he toured with The Harlem Globetrotters to wrap up his career. James was an NBA All-Star in 1988 while playing center for the Dallas Mavericks. In 2006, James was inducted into the Pac-10 Sports Hall of Fame and also the Washington State University Athletic Hall of Fame. In 2010, James was elected as a board member for the NBA Retired Players Association.
James frequently conducts speaking engagements (motivational, inspirational, educational) for organizations, schools, and youth groups.
In 2010, James was the recipient of the NBA Legends of Basketball ABC Award, awarded for outstanding contributions in Athletics–Business–Community.
He believes in being a role model for success and professionalism to the scores of young people to whom he devotes so much of his time. He currently serves on several boards and committees and is a member of many organizations.
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James Donaldson is the author of “Standing Above The Crowd” and “Celebrating Your Gift of Life” and founder of the Your Gift of Life Foundation which focuses on mental health awareness and suicide prevention, especially pertaining to our school aged children and men.
If you’re interested in having James come and speak to your group of young adults, business entrepreneurs, aspiring political and community leaders, and athletic teams, please contact him at jamesd@yourgiftoflife.org and or leave a personal message for him at 1-800-745-3161. Keep up with him and read about how he is reaching out and making a difference in the lives of so many around the world at www.yourgiftoflife.org
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