Breaking the news to the kids is probably one of the hardest parts of getting divorced. You and your spouse can smooth the way by planning out what to say and how to say it. Kids need to know that things are going to be okay. The best way to send this message is for both parents to sit down together. It’s important that kids see that you’re on the same team. You won’t be living together but you’ll still be parenting together. If both parents can’t be there, the parent who’s going to be around most should tell the kids.
What you say depends on the age of your kids. Try not flood them with information. They’ll probably have a lot of questions. Answer them as best you can. It helps if you can give kids some kind of timeline about how things will happen. Since some divorces take longer than others, you might want to tell your kids to think of you as divorced. They’ll want to know things like who they’re going to live with and how often they’ll see the other parent.
Some basic things to keep in mind are not taking about money in front of kids and not saying bad things about your spouse to your kids. Keeping things as friendly as possible in front of them, even if you don’t feel that way, is always best for kids.
Kids react to divorce news in different ways. Some will be angry or feel guilty and upset. They might ask if you’re going to remarry. It’s important for kids to know that you love them, and nothing will ever change that. And no one will every replace them even if you do remarry someday.
For many parents telling kids about a divorce is one of the hardest parts of the entire divorce process. Children look to us for security, and a divorce inevitably shifts the family foundation a child has come to rely on. But it is also a very important conversation because it gives parents an opportunity to try to lay the groundwork for a healthy new start for the whole family.
Jamie Howard, PhD, a psychologist at the Child Mind Institute, describes learning about divorce as a “flashbulb memory” for kids: “It’s one of those moments kids will probably always remember.” You want to get it right, which means taking some time to plan out what you want to say, and how you want to say it. Here are some tips to get you started.
How to break the news
If possible, Dr. Howard recommends that both parents sit down together to calmly share the news of their divorce. To head off potential sources of conflict, both parents should agree ahead of time about what to say. This is a time when kids need to be reassured, and the best way to do that is to show your children that you are both still on the same team when it comes to parenting. “You want to model ‘We’ve got this’” says Dr. Howard. “Even if it’s not true, or even if only one parent has got this.”
If it just isn’t possible for both parents to be present for this conversation, Dr. Howard recommends that whichever parent is around the most should share the news.
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What you say will depend on the age and maturity of your child. You don’t want to overwhelm children with details, and it is generally better to let them ask questions rather than try to give them a lot of information they aren’t ready for.
Kids sometimes wonder about when changes will be happening. Of course some divorces are very civil and quick, but others take a long time. “You want to give kids a little bit of a timeline,” says Dr. Howard. “Maybe you could say something like, ‘We are separated now with the intention of divorcing. It may take some time to work out the details, but for now, just think of us as divorced.” If you do already have some idea of what the transition will look like, it may be reassuring for children to hear some of the details.
If there’s a custody disagreement, Dr. Howard suggests a child-friendly way to explain this might be to say something like, “We both love you so much and want to be around you. We’re trying to figure out what we think is best for you. We don’t agree on that, but we’re going to figure it out as adults, with other adults weighing in.”
A good rule of thumb is to avoid discussing financial settlements with children or sharing any information that makes one spouse look bad. You want to avoid any unnecessary conflict as much as possible to try to preserve a healthy parent-child relationship, which is very important for kids’ wellbeing.
If there has already been a lot of parental conflict and anger in the house that your child may have witnessed, Dr. Howard suggests you might explain it this way:
“You may have noticed there’s been more arguments. Sometimes we feel really angry. Just so you know, one of us might be saying things because we’re angry about the situation, but no one’s mad at you. These situations are complicated and we’re going to figure it out amongst ourselves. It’s not your job to fix anger. There are other adults that can help with the anger. There’s lawyers, there’s judges, there’s therapists. It’s not your job to help.”
How kids may react
Kids can react in many different ways to a divorce announcement. If there has been a lot of fighting in the home, some kids may actually feel relieved to hear about a divorce. But it is more common for kids to feel upset or even guilty. However your kids react, it is important to listen to them and take their concerns seriously, while making it clear that the divorce is not their fault, and that as parents you will do your best to help them feel secure and loved.
Children often start worrying about what the future will look like. Teenagers may sometimes fast forward to worrying about parents getting remarried. If this comes up, Dr. Howard advises saying something like, “Maybe, maybe not. Of course I want to be happy and that could be a part of my happiness. But you’re still my daughter and no one else is going to replace that.”
For worries that are more immediate, like who will take the child to soccer practice or what a new bedroom might look like, getting clear answers can be very reassuring. If you are still working the details out, tell your child that you are working on the answer to that, but you will let her know whenever you can. In the meantime you can look for other ways to help her feel secure, such as posting a provisional schedule in the kitchen. Our clinicians go into more detail about how to help kids feel supported during a divorce here, from how to listen to their worries to how to respond to anxiety, disruptive behavior and more.
James Donaldson is a Washington State University graduate (’79). After an outstanding basketball career with WSU, he went on to play professional basketball in the NBA with the Seattle Supersonics, San Diego/L.A. Clippers, Dallas Mavericks, New York Knicks, and Utah Jazz. He also played for several teams in the European Leagues in Spain, Italy, and Greece, and he toured with The Harlem Globetrotters to wrap up his career. James was an NBA All-Star in 1988 while playing center for the Dallas Mavericks. In 2006, James was inducted into the Pac-10 Sports Hall of Fame and also the Washington State University Athletic Hall of Fame. In 2010, James was elected as a board member for the NBA Retired Players Association.
James frequently conducts speaking engagements (motivational, inspirational, educational) for organizations, schools, and youth groups.
In 2010, James was the recipient of the NBA Legends of Basketball ABC Award, awarded for outstanding contributions in Athletics–Business–Community.
He believes in being a role model for success and professionalism to the scores of young people to whom he devotes so much of his time. He currently serves on several boards and committees and is a member of many organizations.
James believes in developing relationships that create a “Win-Win” environment for everyone involved, and in being the best he can be!
For more information about James Donaldson or to request he speak at your event, contact him at:
James Donaldson is the author of “Standing Above The Crowd” and “Celebrating Your Gift of Life” and founder of the Your Gift of Life Foundation which focuses on mental health awareness and suicide prevention, especially pertaining to our school aged children and men.
If you’re interested in having James come and speak to your group of young adults, business entrepreneurs, aspiring political and community leaders, and athletic teams, please contact him at jamesd@yourgiftoflife.org and or leave a personal message for him at 1-800-745-3161. Keep up with him and read about how he is reaching out and making a difference in the lives of so many around the world at www.yourgiftoflife.org
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