Q I found porn on my 11-year-old son’s iPhone. His dad and I are divorced and we have not had “the sex talk” with him at all yet. My question is, do I talk to my son about what I found? He is sensitive and in counseling since our recent divorce, and we are working on me being able to talk to him without him shutting down or crying. So I don’t want to embarrass him. However, with this likely being his only “educator,” I feel he needs to know that porn is not a real representation of sex. Please help.
The short answer is yes, talk to your son about the pornography. It might be an awkward conversation, but you don’t want him to have to hide this stuff away or be ashamed of his curiosity. And you don’t want him to be so guilty he doesn’t develop a healthy sexual identity. He’s moving into an age when that is very important.
Parents need to be as matter of fact as possible when talking about sex and sexuality with children. You want to be clear that this type of curiosity is natural and there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. And the fact is that kids are going to be exposed to this — because of the ubiquity of sex on the Internet everyone is.
So it is crucial that you address this issue in a non-judgmental way. You can even utilize a little bit of humor. He’s “busted,” but the “crime” is just being normal. You just need him to know how fake and distorted pornography is, and if he’s looking at it that means it’s time to think about what he really can expect, and hope for, from a sexual relationship as he gets older. And you should offer to answer any question, however embarrassing.
I also understand your ambivalence about bringing this up with a sensitive child you are having trouble communicating with, but if you are calm and matter-of-fact at least some information will get through, which is a start. You could say: “I see that you have been looking at some pornography. I’m not upset. I know you may not want to hear it, but I really have to share some facts with you.”
In all honesty, it would be best if you and your husband could address this issue together, but if you can’t, someone has to step up.
#James Donaldson notes: Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes. Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use. Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.#http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson’s latest book, #CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy
James Donaldson is a Washington State University graduate (’79). After an outstanding basketball career with WSU, he went on to play professional basketball in the NBA with the Seattle Supersonics, San Diego/L.A. Clippers, Dallas Mavericks, New York Knicks, and Utah Jazz. He also played for several teams in the European Leagues in Spain, Italy, and Greece, and he toured with The Harlem Globetrotters to wrap up his career. James was an NBA All-Star in 1988 while playing center for the Dallas Mavericks. In 2006, James was inducted into the Pac-10 Sports Hall of Fame and also the Washington State University Athletic Hall of Fame. In 2010, James was elected as a board member for the NBA Retired Players Association.
James frequently conducts speaking engagements (motivational, inspirational, educational) for organizations, schools, and youth groups.
In 2010, James was the recipient of the NBA Legends of Basketball ABC Award, awarded for outstanding contributions in Athletics–Business–Community.
He believes in being a role model for success and professionalism to the scores of young people to whom he devotes so much of his time. He currently serves on several boards and committees and is a member of many organizations.
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James Donaldson is the author of “Standing Above The Crowd” and “Celebrating Your Gift of Life” and founder of the Your Gift of Life Foundation which focuses on mental health awareness and suicide prevention, especially pertaining to our school aged children and men.
If you’re interested in having James come and speak to your group of young adults, business entrepreneurs, aspiring political and community leaders, and athletic teams, please contact him at jamesd@yourgiftoflife.org and or leave a personal message for him at 1-800-745-3161. Keep up with him and read about how he is reaching out and making a difference in the lives of so many around the world at www.yourgiftoflife.org
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