Friendships are important to children. If your kid is having a hard time fitting in, there are ways you can help your child make friends.
Social skills don’t come naturally to all kids, especially those with ADHD. Impulsive and hyperactive children often act in ways that make it hard to have friends. They can have trouble taking turns and controlling their anger when they don’t get their way. Inattentive kids may act flighty or not know how to join in.
You can help kids make friends by coaching them at home. Talk about taking turns and sharing. Try using role-playing to practice different ways to handle disagreements. You can also demonstrate good behavior when you talk to family and your own friends.
If your child needs more help, you can try “social scripts.” These are everyday conversations that your child can practice with you. They are especially helpful for children on the autism spectrum. Practicing will help them learn things like making eye contact and responding to other people’s moods. Your child’s doctor or behavioral therapist can help you select scripts and give you advice on how to rehearse them.
You can also set up playdates to help your kid make friends. Before the other child comes over, talk about what to do. Have your child pick out a few games and go over how to tell whether their guest is having fun.
If your child is shy, you can give them the chance to meet kids in a way that’s comfortable for them. This could be playdates at your house or through a club or activity.
And remember, kids need just one or two good friends. They don’t need to be the most popular kid in their class.
Every parent knows schoolyard friendships are important. Friends enrich our lives, boost our self-esteem, and provide the moral support we need when we’re memorizing multiplication tables. Developmentally speaking, making a friend in school is every bit as important as getting an A. Learning how to form successful peer relationships is a critical skill for kids, and one that they will be using—and refining—all their lives.
But some kids have a harder time fitting in. Cornerstones of childhood interaction, like sharing a toy or engaging in make-believe, might elude them. While parents can’t make friends for their children, they can help them develop and practice key social skills. If you see your child struggling to make friends or getting rejected by other kids, here are some steps you can take to help.
Building social skills
Social skills don’t come naturally to all kids. Impulsive and hyperactive children often act in ways that stymie their strong desire for friendship, notes Mary Rooney, PhD, a psychologist who has worked with many children with ADHD. They often have trouble taking turns and controlling their anger when they don’t get their way. More inattentive kids may act flighty or hover at the margins of playgroups, unsure of how to assert themselves.
If you notice that your child is struggling to interact with their peers, try some coaching at home. Emphasize taking turns and sharing during family playtime and explain that friends expect the same good behavior. Impulsive children will also benefit from practicing different strategies for settling peer conflict. Role playing can be very helpful here. Of course, as a parent you should also be careful to model good social behavior yourself when talking to family members and your own friends.
For kids who need more intensive guidance, experts suggest using “social scripts,” or simple everyday conversations that kids can practice with their parents. You can work with your child’s doctor or behavioral therapist to select appropriate scripts and develop a strategy for rehearsing and implementing them. Social scripts are especially helpful for children on the autism spectrum who need to deliberately learn key social skills, such as establishing eye contact and responding to the moods of others.
Finally, if your child has been having a hard time making friends, Dr. Rooney suggests setting up a meeting with their teacher. “Often kids will say ‘everyone hates me,’ but they may not be able to describe what’s going on.” Teachers can give a better sense of your child’s peer interactions and suggest more positive classmates for after-school playdates.
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Supervised playdates are a great way for children to build their social muscles. Dr. Rooney suggests that parents spend some time before playdates reviewing social cues with their children. Some activities for playdate-prep include:
Talk with your child about what it means to be a good host. What will your child do to make their guests feel comfortable?
Have your child pick out a few games in advance. How will your child know when it’s time to move on to the next game?
Ask your child how they’ll know if guests are having a good time. Are they smiling? Laughing?
As long as the children don’t veer into play that’s outright dangerous, let the playdate unfold as it may, recommends Jamie Howard, PhD, a clinical advisor to the Child Mind Institute. Children learn from the natural consequences of their actions, which is why it’s so important to let them practice socializing in a warm, supportive setting.
And when you review how it went, focus on the good behaviors you want to reinforce. “Kids are more motivated by praise than by avoiding criticism,” says Dr. Howard. “Specific, labeled praise is most helpful. Instead of ‘good job,’ say, ‘you shared very well with your friend.’”
Helping shy kids
Some kids are natural social butterflies while others need more time to warm up to new situations. Don’t worry if your child is a little more hesitant in social situations. Expecting every child to jump in and be the leader of the group isn’t realistic, so avoid pushing too hard. However, parents shouldn’t make the mistake of keeping more tentative kids at home, either. Rachel Busman, PsyD, a psychologist who works with anxious kids, explains, “There’s a difference between accommodating and enabling. For shyer kids we want to give them opportunities to meet new kids, but we want to help bridge the transition so they aren’t too uncomfortable.”
Dr. Busman suggests planning playdates at your house first, where your child will be most at ease. Clubs or other activities are also a good way to make friends because they provide built-in structure that helps minimize anxiety. If your child is reluctant to try something new, suggest inviting a friend they’re already comfortable with to join in. As with any social skill, parents can help shy kids rehearse ahead of time for a situation that makes them nervous, like going to a birthday party or meeting a new group of people.
Every child is different
Dr. Busman notes there is also a difference between children who are shy and children who are simply more introverted and prefer spending their down time reading or drawing by themselves. “Different children in the same family can have different social limits and degrees of comfort. A child who prefers quiet time or being in small groups isn’t necessarily avoiding other kids.” But it’s essential that more introverted children still get opportunities to make friends. Dr. Busman recommends knowing how much your child can handle and setting expectations accordingly. It’s enough for some kids to find just one thing they like to do once a week.
Finally, it’s important that parents not place too many of their own social expectations on children. Dr. Rooney advises keeping things in perspective. “Kids need just one or two good friends. You don’t have to worry about them being the most popular kid in their class.”
James Donaldson is a Washington State University graduate (’79). After an outstanding basketball career with WSU, he went on to play professional basketball in the NBA with the Seattle Supersonics, San Diego/L.A. Clippers, Dallas Mavericks, New York Knicks, and Utah Jazz. He also played for several teams in the European Leagues in Spain, Italy, and Greece, and he toured with The Harlem Globetrotters to wrap up his career. James was an NBA All-Star in 1988 while playing center for the Dallas Mavericks. In 2006, James was inducted into the Pac-10 Sports Hall of Fame and also the Washington State University Athletic Hall of Fame. In 2010, James was elected as a board member for the NBA Retired Players Association.
James frequently conducts speaking engagements (motivational, inspirational, educational) for organizations, schools, and youth groups.
In 2010, James was the recipient of the NBA Legends of Basketball ABC Award, awarded for outstanding contributions in Athletics–Business–Community.
He believes in being a role model for success and professionalism to the scores of young people to whom he devotes so much of his time. He currently serves on several boards and committees and is a member of many organizations.
James believes in developing relationships that create a “Win-Win” environment for everyone involved, and in being the best he can be!
For more information about James Donaldson or to request he speak at your event, contact him at:
James Donaldson is the author of “Standing Above The Crowd” and “Celebrating Your Gift of Life” and founder of the Your Gift of Life Foundation which focuses on mental health awareness and suicide prevention, especially pertaining to our school aged children and men.
If you’re interested in having James come and speak to your group of young adults, business entrepreneurs, aspiring political and community leaders, and athletic teams, please contact him at jamesd@yourgiftoflife.org and or leave a personal message for him at 1-800-745-3161. Keep up with him and read about how he is reaching out and making a difference in the lives of so many around the world at www.yourgiftoflife.org
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