If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, disordered eating, or drug or alcohol abuse please seek help. National and state resources can be found by texting 988 or visiting the Tennessee Department of Health website. Campus resources can be found by visiting the Counseling Center at RUC 307, calling (931) 372-33, or visiting their website. You are not alone.
The first time I thought about it I was 12, and the last time I thought about it was yesterday. Each year as I creep closer to another birthday I remember how I attempted Suicide.
When I was 12, I was sitting on my bed with my radio playing. I had taken a knife from the kitchen, the one my mom always warned me about being sharp. I was going to kill myself when the phone rang.
I was 14 and I had just lost my virginity to someone too much older than me after I said no, I had a gun in my mouth when I noticed it was snowing.
I was 16 and I went home from school that day, taking home everything I kept in my locker and the band room when I tripped and broke my wrist.
When I was 20 I drank a bottle of Everclear and took half a bottle of my mom’s sleeping pills. I’m one of the lucky ones that woke up.
I remember sitting at the kitchen table with great-grandmother Eva, she was feeding me Ritz crackers and asking what I was doing there, “You ain’t big ‘nough yet,” she shook her head.
I opened my mouth to agree, and then I awoke in a pale hospital room. Everything was fuzzy and I had the worst headache. I’m not big enough yet.
Some statistics say that only two years after an attempt, a person is likely to attempt again. Knowing this I avoided looking back, I refused to reexamine the times that led up to the attempt.
Now that five years have passed, I have learned that looking back gives me a new perspective as I continue to look forward. I also learned by looking at my past I can see where things needed to change and how I could have reacted differently.
With time passing, and a lot of much needed healing I’ve found myself becoming an advocate for suicide prevention and awareness. I made the goal this month to take three million steps as part of a fundraiser with To Write Love on Her Arms (TWLOHA) for Suicide Awareness Month celebrated every September.
As I fell deeper into the pit I became a person I wasn’t proud of, and blamed for being the cause of many failing narratives. The first few months after my attempt I felt as though I was such a failure that I couldn’t even succeed in ending my own life.
I was angry at myself. I was angry at the people who stepped away in my time of need and I was angry that I was still alive. I was angry at how alone I was after surviving an attempt. How could I fall so far after being at the bottom for so long?
I made plans again to end my life but for some reason, I decided to go to a new therapist that same day.
I kept thinking I never should have grown up, I never should have been born. The thoughts rang through my head as I checked in at the front desk and I sat down. I looked around the room and noticed that hanging on the wall right in front of me was the sign I needed to stay.
“The moment you doubt you can fly you cease forever to be able to do it,” a quote from my favorite childhood movie, Peter Pan, hung on a black canvas a few feet in front of me. I sat there amazed. This had to be a sign from God, the universe or even Peter himself to stay.
Whatever it was the message was clear, I was going to be okay. I continued my appointments with this therapist and found myself becoming the better version of myself. I reached that two-year anniversary and found myself in a position I had never been in before: I was happy.
I found pride in my journey, I made amends with those I had hurt and I forgave myself. I revisited who I wanted to be when I was five years old. I wanted to be bigger than I was then, I wanted to be a better me. I’ve been getting closer to seeing that person in the mirror every day, and some days I think I do. I have noticed gray hair growing that wasn’t there when I was 20, a sight I never would have seen if I had succeeded in my attempt.
#James Donaldson notes: Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes. Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use. Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.#http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson’s latest book, #CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy
Since I have looked back at who I was then and what I was experiencing, I have been able to forgive that version of myself and realize that I was sick. I tell myself now that I would never shame myself for getting the flu, so shaming myself for having a mental illness doesn’t make any sense. I never thought I would be at a point in my life where I thought happiness was something I could achieve, I thought before it wasn’t possible for me.
I still have bad days, just like everyone, and sometimes those bad days seem to flash this big red button that says “the end of all your problems,” but I know better now that I can’t, because there are people who depend on me, and my hurt would only be given to them if I was gone.
I’ve found that sometimes taking one step at a time is the best thing a person can do. This month I completed my goal of taking three hundred thousand steps in partnership with TWLOHA, and it would not have been possible without taking each step one at a time. Practicing patience like this is a big part of my journey.
I see the progress I’ve made and I know that it is okay to look back sometimes because it allows me to look forward with more perspective. Now I approach another year and remember to count the grays, and the steps as they come, because I almost lost the chance to see them.
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James Donaldson is a Washington State University graduate (’79). After an outstanding basketball career with WSU, he went on to play professional basketball in the NBA with the Seattle Supersonics, San Diego/L.A. Clippers, Dallas Mavericks, New York Knicks, and Utah Jazz. He also played for several teams in the European Leagues in Spain, Italy, and Greece, and he toured with The Harlem Globetrotters to wrap up his career. James was an NBA All-Star in 1988 while playing center for the Dallas Mavericks. In 2006, James was inducted into the Pac-10 Sports Hall of Fame and also the Washington State University Athletic Hall of Fame. In 2010, James was elected as a board member for the NBA Retired Players Association.
James frequently conducts speaking engagements (motivational, inspirational, educational) for organizations, schools, and youth groups.
In 2010, James was the recipient of the NBA Legends of Basketball ABC Award, awarded for outstanding contributions in Athletics–Business–Community.
He believes in being a role model for success and professionalism to the scores of young people to whom he devotes so much of his time. He currently serves on several boards and committees and is a member of many organizations.
James believes in developing relationships that create a “Win-Win” environment for everyone involved, and in being the best he can be!
For more information about James Donaldson or to request he speak at your event, contact him at:
James Donaldson is the author of “Standing Above The Crowd” and “Celebrating Your Gift of Life” and founder of the Your Gift of Life Foundation which focuses on mental health awareness and suicide prevention, especially pertaining to our school aged children and men.
If you’re interested in having James come and speak to your group of young adults, business entrepreneurs, aspiring political and community leaders, and athletic teams, please contact him at [email protected] and or leave a personal message for him at 1-800-745-3161. Keep up with him and read about how he is reaching out and making a difference in the lives of so many around the world at www.yourgiftoflife.org
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