Getting everyone out the door in the morning is a challenge for lots of families. For kids with mental health or learning difficulties, it can be even harder. Kids with ADHD or behavior issues may have trouble following instructions or focusing on what needs to get done. Kids with anxiety or depression may have a hard time getting out of bed or managing their worries about school. And for children on the autism spectrum, small changes in routine can lead to conflict.
But whether or not your child has a mental health diagnosis, there are ways to make mornings easier and avoid conflict. First, plan ahead. Anything that you can do the night before will save time in the morning — packing lunches, taking showers, choosing clothes. For younger kids, it’s helpful to break tasks down into small steps and praise them when they do them successfully. Older kids can use checklists. And visual prompts like posted schedules can help kids, especially those with ADHD or autism. Over time, all kids can build routines that they can complete with less help.
It also helps to focus on just the essential tasks, like getting dressed and brushing teeth. For example, you might want your child to make their bed in the morning, but they can still have a good day at school if that doesn’t happen. Once kids have mastered the basics, you can try adding more tasks to the routine. Small rewards, like a special cereal for breakfast, can motivate them to stick to the plan.
Finally, it helps a lot for parents to stay calm. Arguing wastes time and stresses kids out, making mornings even harder. And if your child consistently has trouble even getting out of bed or throws a tantrum every morning, getting professional support can help.
During the school year, a cry is heard from parents across the land: Getting kids out the door Monday through Friday is a killer.
What makes school mornings so hard? “They’re kind of like a perfect storm,” says David Anderson, PhD, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute.
“You have a number of things that have to get done,” he explains, “and there’s also a time limit.” Add to this the fact that parents sometimes feel their kids don’t appreciate the ticking clock while they’re trying to get everyone to school and work and you’ve got a pressure cooker that can, at its worst, lead to yelling, tears, and forgotten lunches.
Dr. Anderson says one colleague calls times like school mornings—along with homework, transitioning from dinner and shower time to bedtime, and then actually getting kids to sleep—”frequent flyer situations,” when stress levels regularly reach their peak. He says mornings are “definitely tough for most families we talk to,” whether the child has a psychiatric diagnosis or not.
However, the stress quotient can rise among families with a child who has special needs. “Kids with ADHD or behavioral issues may be much less likely to be able to maintain their focus on what they need to get done, remember what they need to get done, or may actually be defiant about getting things done like getting dressed, making their bed, taking a shower, brushing their teeth, or eating breakfast,” Dr. Anderson says.
Meanwhile, kids who are depressed may have difficulty getting out of bed, while those who are very anxious may refuse to do what’s required because they are avoiding something that is happening at school or even school itself.
Dr. Anderson adds that if a child is on the autism spectrum, mornings might be tougher because of a rigid adherence to rituals. If his parent needs him to be flexible and do the tasks out of order, that could lead to a lot of conflict.
Also, many kids have difficulty with transitions, whether they have diagnoses like ADHD and autism or not, and the morning is all about transitions done under a hard and fast deadline.
While parents can be more flexible about things like bedtime—perhaps they’ll let a child stay up reading until he falls asleep—morning doesn’t afford the same luxury.
If a child leaves the house in the morning without the right shoes, or sports gear, or homework, or without eating breakfast, it can contribute to problems during school.
And if a child ends up being late to school, the parent is often late to work, too.
So what’s a parent to do to both get out the door on time and with as little conflict as possible? Dr. Anderson recommends several things.
Plan ahead
First, regardless of a child’s age, think about what can be done the night before such as making lunches, taking showers, organizing backpacks, and laying out clothes. Talk with your kids as to what needs to get done in the morning. “It’s great to have these discussions when cooler heads are prevailing and we can really problem solve about how to get things done in an efficient way,” Dr. Anderson says.
Parents of younger kids need to focus on being clear about what needs to get done, helping them develop this list into good habits. This can be accomplished by noticing when a child is successful, then praising him for those successes. It’s also helpful to break tasks down into very small steps and then noting how well the child is trying to comply or do things independently.
Those with older kids could help them develop an organizational plan—a list they could check back on to make sure each step is completed. “We’re all more effective when we’re very clear with ourselves about what steps we might need to take and realistic about what we actually have time to get done,” he says.
Temper expectations
Dr. Anderson also says it’s a good idea for parents to prioritize the essential steps—what must get done—vs. the “icing on the cake” steps, at least at first.
Exactly what is essential? “The reality is often that the child at least has all of his clothes on, has something in his stomach, and has brushed his teeth,” he says. “If we can get those three things done somehow, either before the child leaves or on the way to school, and reinforce the child’s progress, then we can start to build those habits and make it so that mornings are easier in the future.”
Once the essential steps become habit, parents can focus on the “icing,” which can include things like a child keeping his hands to himself around a sibling, making his bed and organizing his things.
Use visual prompts
Dr. Anderson says that especially for younger kids who are on the autism spectrum or have ADHD, “we absolutely want to make it so that any behaviors we’ve defined as target behaviors are also prompted visually so that they can remember and, over time, start to independently do them.” Visual prompts might include posted schedules and photos of targeted behaviors, such as a picture of a child brushing her teeth near the sink.
With typically developing children and teens, the amount of visualization needed varies: “There are kids who only need their parents to give instructions verbally and then they can usually remember them and follow through. Certain kids need either more reminders or time to form these habits,” notes Dr. Anderson.
Create incentives
When it comes to making mornings better, rewards are also key. They can be either short term, involving some kind of immediate treat or, because of the time crunch, earned privileges to be enjoyed later.
Dr. Anderson offers one of his favorite examples of a short-term reward, involving a teenager and her mother. “They talked about what specific behaviors they were going to focus on,” he says. “The idea was she gets up by a certain time, gets all of her things together and leaves by a certain time for school. If those three things happened without too many prompts, then they would stop for a special breakfast like Starbucks and walk rather than take the subway.” Not only did this motivate the teen, it improved the mother-daughter relationship, since they had more time to talk.
Younger kids can be motivated by a more defined behavioral plan with meaningful rewards. Dr. Anderson cites the example of a fourth grader: As long as he gets up, eats a breakfast from among a few healthy choices, gets dressed quickly, and brushes his teeth without too many parental prompts, he earns points for each of those behaviors. These points translate into 30 minutes of screen time that evening.
Stay calm
When parents hit bumps in the road and tempers are flaring, they need to think about ways to deescalate the situation, since arguing is a distraction and can damage their relationship with their kids, as well as slow things down even more. There are several ways parents can try to deescalate a situation, such as:
Continuing to praise even small efforts rather than focusing on what the child might not be doing
Focusing on the next step in the process
Keeping one’s eye on the prize, both in the short and long terms.
It also helps to accept that in least in the short term, things might not be perfect but that by sticking to behavioral strategies, they can improve.
#James Donaldson notes: Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes. Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use. Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.#http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson’s latest book, #CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy
In situations where kids have difficulty “even getting out of bed or where there’s conflict every morning with screaming fights,” to the point that family function is impaired or there are mental health concerns for either child or parent, Dr. Anderson recommends professional counseling. This could involve behavioral parent training, where caregivers learn to use effective behavior management strategies; coaching the parent and child together for more successful interactions; or working individually with the child on cognitive behavioral therapy to build coping skills and better emotion regulation.
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James Donaldson is a Washington State University graduate (’79). After an outstanding basketball career with WSU, he went on to play professional basketball in the NBA with the Seattle Supersonics, San Diego/L.A. Clippers, Dallas Mavericks, New York Knicks, and Utah Jazz. He also played for several teams in the European Leagues in Spain, Italy, and Greece, and he toured with The Harlem Globetrotters to wrap up his career. James was an NBA All-Star in 1988 while playing center for the Dallas Mavericks. In 2006, James was inducted into the Pac-10 Sports Hall of Fame and also the Washington State University Athletic Hall of Fame. In 2010, James was elected as a board member for the NBA Retired Players Association.
James frequently conducts speaking engagements (motivational, inspirational, educational) for organizations, schools, and youth groups.
In 2010, James was the recipient of the NBA Legends of Basketball ABC Award, awarded for outstanding contributions in Athletics–Business–Community.
He believes in being a role model for success and professionalism to the scores of young people to whom he devotes so much of his time. He currently serves on several boards and committees and is a member of many organizations.
James believes in developing relationships that create a “Win-Win” environment for everyone involved, and in being the best he can be!
For more information about James Donaldson or to request he speak at your event, contact him at:
James Donaldson is the author of “Standing Above The Crowd” and “Celebrating Your Gift of Life” and founder of the Your Gift of Life Foundation which focuses on mental health awareness and suicide prevention, especially pertaining to our school aged children and men.
If you’re interested in having James come and speak to your group of young adults, business entrepreneurs, aspiring political and community leaders, and athletic teams, please contact him at [email protected] and or leave a personal message for him at 1-800-745-3161. Keep up with him and read about how he is reaching out and making a difference in the lives of so many around the world at www.yourgiftoflife.org
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