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High school means more academic pressure but also new social dynamics. It can take time for teens to find their footing, so it’s okay if they don’t feel settled right away.
High school students are expected to be more independent. Parents can help them build time management and self-advocacy skills.
Open conversations at home about sex and substances can help teens be prepared to make good decisions when situations arise.
Going from middle school to high school is a transition that stretches through the whole year — for parents and teens, alike.
“I think it makes sense to think of freshman year as distinct from the other three,” says Jenna Klorfein, LCSW, who was a social worker in a New York City high school. “There’s a general kind of fish-out-of-water feeling, like, ‘I’m trying to make sense of all of this.’” It can take time for a teen to find their place, both academically and socially, but parents can help by preparing for some of the more common challenges of freshman year.
Mastering new routines
In the first days and weeks of school, some of the biggest stressors will be logistical. For example, most freshmen will be encountering a new building, often much larger than the one they were used to — and learning to confidently navigate unfamiliar hallways through a sea of bodies can take some time.
Another daily challenge is the commute. If your teen is using public transportation to get to school, help them practice the route they will take to get there, especially if they’re regularly traveling by themselves for the first time. And if the high school is farther from home, consider whether that means earlier wake-up times than they’re used to. If they take medication for ADHD, they’ll need to figure out what time is best for them to take it.
Getting used to a new entry protocol can be a struggle, too. The high school where Klorfein worked is housed in a building with multiple other schools, and kids have to go through a metal detector to get in. So, if your teen tends to get overwhelmed by noise or crowds, for example, make sure they understand that certain elements of their school day — which will already be unfamiliar — might feel uncomfortable at first, too.
Handling more responsibility
In high school, teens will mostly be expected to keep up with deadlines and assignments on their own. “If you don’t get your work done, nobody’s going to say, ‘Hey, you have to turn that in.’” Klorfein says. The idea is to teach freshmen to be responsible for their own work — which can be especially tough for teens with ADHD, learning disabilities, or executive function issues.
One challenge for freshmen is getting used to studying for tests or researching and writing a paper over time. Wendy, whose son Ralph is a high school junior in Ohio, says this was a particularly difficult transition. “He’d say it will take an hour when it actually takes three days,” she jokes (sort of).
But as Wendy also points out, teens need help learning what they don’t know — teaching them how to set aside time for studying over multiple days, for example, so later they can do it on their own.
“In high school, the parent becomes like an adviser,” Wendy says. “The goal is for them to become obsolete, but it takes a huge amount of work to get there.”
New academic pressures
Whether your teen breezed through middle school or they struggled, they should expect classes in high school to get more challenging. Students will do more reading in every subject. They will also learn more complex math concepts that build off of one another — which can be difficult to absorb and recall on a semester schedule. (How am I supposed to remember how to do algebra? I haven’t heard the word “variable” in a year.) And of course, a student’s grades will officially “count” toward graduation.
Some kids may need to be reminded of this — and also that the extracurriculars they love, including sports and things like marching band and theater, often require a minimum GPA for participation. Poor grades early take more work to recover from later on, so make sure your teen has whatever learning support they need as early as possible so they can pursue the things they truly enjoy.
But those incoming freshmen who are already worried about their college application may be painfully aware of the new importance of grades. Help them set realistic expectations and a healthy mindset, early. Try to focus your praise on their efforts and personal achievements. Maybe they got much more confident speaking French or learned a cool photo editing technique. While you can’t make overachievers forget they got a B on a test one time, you can help them see that a good grade isn’t the most important thing.
Social challenges
If your child struggled to make friends in middle school or was bullied, they might be anxious about the high school social scene. When talking to them about it, Klorfein suggests “reframing it as an opportunity to find more people like you.”
Maybe your teen is already a star athlete and shoo-in for the volleyball team. But for teens with less committed interests, encourage them to choose a club or team and join it. If they’re resistant, ask them to pick one extracurricular and try it for a certain amount of time. They do not have to be an Olympic swimmer or obsessed with photography — the point is for them to expand their social circle. If they find something they’re truly passionate about or uncover a hidden talent, that’s a bonus.
Ralph joined the soccer team his freshman year, and Wendy says it has been an important part of his social experience. “It means he has multiple groups of friends,” she says. Teens will inevitably experience friendship volatility in high school; it’s easier to endure when you have different people to call on.
That said, it can take time for freshmen to settle in socially — and that’s totally normal, Klorfein says. “How you spend freshman year is not how high school is going to be” just given the size of the adjustment, she says. “So, if it’s hard for you, or you haven’t found your people by the end of the year, that’s okay.”
Encountering adult stuff
While most 14- and 15-year-olds are not completely naïve about sex or drugs, mixing with older teenagers (while a good thing) can put them in contact with more adult stuff than they encountered in middle school. “There’s a different level to it in high school,” says Katie Peinovich, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker at the Child Mind Institute. “Drugs are in every school — it doesn’t matter where it is. They all have kids vaping in the bathroom.”
A lot of times parents don’t want to talk about drugs or other uncomfortable topics and will wait to deal with issues as they come up, Klorfein says. But both Peinovich and Klorfein stress the importance of having proactive conversations with your teen about sex and drugs, which means giving them the information and tools to handle situations before they arise.
Be proactive about how to handle sexual attention, too, possibly from upperclassmen. This can be a particular issue for girls, but any teen should know how to recognize when someone, especially someone older, is making them uncomfortable. “I often talk to young girls about the potential feeling of obligation. Feeling like you have to say like, ‘Oh, that was nice,’ or even smile,” says Janine Domingues, PhD, a senior psychologist at the Child Mind Institute. This kind of attention can feel good, Dr. Domingues acknowledges. But girls shouldn’t feel like they have to reciprocate.
Bottom line: no teen is too old to be reminded to speak up for their personal boundaries.
Managing time — and sleep
While embracing activities outside of schoolwork is important, take it slow. “There’s a lot of time management confusion when you get to high school,” says Klorfein. “Like, I have friends, I have this internship, I have school, and I don’t know how to manage it all.”
Where there is the teen who resists joining any club, there is also the teen who joins all of them. If that sounds like your kid, strongly caution them against taking on more than they can handle. Advise picking one activity and seeing how they handle it with their courseload before adding more.
As much as Ralph loves the soccer team, it has made his academic life much more challenging. “Sometimes he doesn’t get home til like 10pm. And then he has to do homework,” Wendy says. “There have been many, many nights where he’s been up until 1am finishing work.”
And then waking up at 6am for school the next day. Most high schoolers in the United States (nearly 80percent in 2023) don’t get enough sleep, which can undermine both their performance in school and their mental health. You can’t change what time your teen’s school starts but you can help them develop healthy sleeping habits (no screens in bed) to protect whatever sleep they can get.
#James Donaldson notes: Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes. Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use. Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.#http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson’s latest book, #CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy
In high school, personal responsibility isn’t just about staying on top of your schoolwork — it’s about knowing how to speak up when you need something.
This is especially important for students with learning challenges. Make sure your teen identifies at least one adult at school they can reach out to for extra help. And if they need accommodations that they aren’t getting, practice language they can use to ask for them.
When students know how to ask for what they need, they may be more likely to ask for help if they’re having social or emotional issues as well. If a student is struggling emotionally or socially, but also doing well in school, they aren’t likely to come to the attention of school psychologists and other support staff, notes Ashley Cameron, a New York City school counselor. “If you don’t know how to ask for that help, a lot of times it goes unnoticed.” she says. So, make sure your teen knows an adult at the school they can go to for help outside of academics, too.
Why you should stay involved
For parents of high school students, it may be tempting to think that getting involved with larger school community, or even knowing other parents, is no longer important. But Cameron cautions against thinking this way.
“We start to see a huge drop-off of parent involvement at the high school level,” she says. Just attending social events can make a big difference in a teen’s adjustment to high school — which is why Cameron invites the families of incoming freshmen at the high school where she works to an informal community dinner the spring before classes start, in addition to the more formal student orientation. Because as important as it is for you to understand your child’s life at school from their teachers, it works the other way, too.
“Having the school know your student, not only as a student, but as a human and a member of a bigger family — I think that’s important for us as educators to see the bigger picture,” she says.
Frequently Asked Questions
What challenges do teens face when starting high school?How do I prepare my teen for the first day of high school?
You can help your teen prepare for their first day of high school by making sure they are comfortable with their commute, understand their school’s entry protocol, and are familiar with their school building so they know how to get to class.
How can I help my teen make friends in high school?
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James Donaldson is a Washington State University graduate (’79). After an outstanding basketball career with WSU, he went on to play professional basketball in the NBA with the Seattle Supersonics, San Diego/L.A. Clippers, Dallas Mavericks, New York Knicks, and Utah Jazz. He also played for several teams in the European Leagues in Spain, Italy, and Greece, and he toured with The Harlem Globetrotters to wrap up his career. James was an NBA All-Star in 1988 while playing center for the Dallas Mavericks. In 2006, James was inducted into the Pac-10 Sports Hall of Fame and also the Washington State University Athletic Hall of Fame. In 2010, James was elected as a board member for the NBA Retired Players Association.
James frequently conducts speaking engagements (motivational, inspirational, educational) for organizations, schools, and youth groups.
In 2010, James was the recipient of the NBA Legends of Basketball ABC Award, awarded for outstanding contributions in Athletics–Business–Community.
He believes in being a role model for success and professionalism to the scores of young people to whom he devotes so much of his time. He currently serves on several boards and committees and is a member of many organizations.
James believes in developing relationships that create a “Win-Win” environment for everyone involved, and in being the best he can be!
For more information about James Donaldson or to request he speak at your event, contact him at:
James Donaldson is the author of “Standing Above The Crowd” and “Celebrating Your Gift of Life” and founder of the Your Gift of Life Foundation which focuses on mental health awareness and suicide prevention, especially pertaining to our school aged children and men.
If you’re interested in having James come and speak to your group of young adults, business entrepreneurs, aspiring political and community leaders, and athletic teams, please contact him at jamesd@yourgiftoflife.org and or leave a personal message for him at 1-800-745-3161. Keep up with him and read about how he is reaching out and making a difference in the lives of so many around the world at www.yourgiftoflife.org
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