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Middle school kids will have more teachers, more school assignments, and more responsibilities. Help them stay organized with color-coded folders, calendars, and checklists.
Starting middle school often means shifts in friendship dynamics and more peer pressure. Have open and honest conversations with your kids about family values and how to adjust to change.
Talk to your middle schooler about puberty, body image, and sex early on to prepare them for new social scenarios.
My memory of my first day of middle school is visceral. Everything on my person was either from Staples or a frantic Kohl’s run the night before.
Clutching my freshly printed class schedule as a lifeline, I rushed through the double doors to find my locker (no more cubbies for me!) and my friends. I was immediately hit with the smell. An intense mixture of body odor, Axe body spray, Juicy Couture Viva La Juicy perfume, and ammonia.
And pressed up against the lockers — adjacent to my newly assigned one, unfortunately — was a couple aggressively making out. The boy had his hand fully up the girl’s shirt and showed no signs of stopping, despite the deluge of kids rushing to get to first period before the bell. Clearly, middle school was going to be a very different experience.
What are the big changes?
The transition from elementary school to middle school can be both exciting and challenging for kids. They’re entering a new school structure that pushes them to take on more responsibility and a heavier workload. And as they start puberty, they’re going through physical, hormonal, and emotional changes that impact their sense of self as well as how they interact with their friends, classmates, and family.
“I work with a lot of fourth and fifth graders and, towards the end of the year, we have a lot of conversations about anxiety around going to middle school,” says Emma Petree, LMSW, a social worker for School and Communities Programs at the Child Mind Institute. “The things that I hear the most are worries about switching classes, an increase in workload and homework, and more exposure to substances, like smoking and vaping.”
A change in class structure
Among the most jarring parts of transitioning to middle school is the change in class structure. Instead of having one teacher throughout the day, kids have multiple teachers for different subjects. Keeping track of their class schedule, traveling between classrooms in a short amount of time, and storing their things in a locker can be a lot to handle (I lost my locker’s padlock a few times, I’ll admit).
It can be helpful for students to have exposure to the physical campus before they get there, says Ms. Petree. “A lot of schools do back-to-school days before they start school. I think that is so helpful to alleviate anxiety.”
You can explain to your child that since they’ll have a different teacher for each subject, classes may have varying levels of difficulty in terms of assignments, grading criteria, and expectations. Encouraging them to go to their teachers (or a school advisor, if they have one) when they have questions or specific issues with assignments can help them feel more independent.
Though you can still be prepared to step in, working with their teachers or other school staff to figure out your child’s specific needs and offer the right support.
“This is a big transition for parents too, because in elementary school you have one go-to teacher you can e-mail about any questions or problems,” says Janine Domingues, PhD, a senior psychologist in the Anxiety Disorders Center at the Child Mind Institute. “You’ll have to find out who you can reach out to, whether it’s an advisor, a school-based counselor, or specific teachers.”
How do you help your child stay organized?
In middle school, kids experience an increase in homework assignments, tests, quizzes, and projects. They’ll also need to manage their time. “Middle school is the first time where kids need a lot more executive functioning skills,” says Jane Wong, PsyD, an associate neuropsychologist in the Gund Learning and Diagnostic Center at the Child Mind Institute.
Dr. Wong recommends getting different colored folders for each subject, as well as a calendar for assignments, to help kids visualize when things are due. And she suggests making a checklist to help kids figure out what they need to put in their backpack each morning.
Established routines for homework, including a dedicated workspace at home, are essential. And for kids withADHD or attention issues, says Dr. Wong, you can get a Bouncyband for their chair or a wiggle seat, to help them focus.
Dr. Domingues notes that it’s important to give kids some grace, since this increase in responsibilities can be overwhelming. “I recommend that parents, especially early on, set a time each week where you’re touching base with your kid,” she says. “You can ask questions like, ‘How did this week go?’ ‘Were there moments where things felt really chaotic? So that way, you can check in without feeling like you’re hounding your kid every day.”
Shifts in friendship dynamics
Starting middle school often leads to a shift in friendship dynamics, whether this means making new friends or drifting away from old ones.
“This is a time for friendship exploration, and it comes with some pain,” says Dr. Domingues. “It’s a time where you’re exploring who you are and what you want out of friendships. That’s all very normal.”
For some kids, these changes can bring on a lot of anxiety, Dr. Domingues explains, while others embrace the chance to explore.
With kids who are actively seeking new friendships, says Dr. Domingues, it can be helpful for parents to have conversations around who they might be gravitating towards and what they’re looking for in a friend. “And if they’re branching out you also want to make sure they’re still being kind. Talk to them about how they can have a healthy separation from a friend, as opposed to ghosting or just pulling away without a discussion.”
And if you notice that your kid is reluctant to make new friends, Dr. Domingues says that you can validate their feelings, discuss what they’re worried about, and reassure them that meeting new people often feels awkward at first. “Go over ways they can branch out, whether it’s joining different groups or clubs at school, sitting at a different table at lunch, or joining an activity outside of school.” She also mentions coaching kids on how to open a conversation, like asking someone about their weekend plans or talking about a class or a teacher you have in common.
“And I often say, you don’t have to be friends with everyone,” says Dr. Domingues. “It just takes one person you really connect with.”
Peer pressure
As kids are forming these new connections and friend groups, they might start to feel as if they need to act or look a certain way to fit in.
“This is when peer pressure gets really intense,” says Ms. Petree. A child’s social circle, she says, tends to move to the “forefront of their decision-making.”
Both Ms. Petree and Dr. Domingues agree that establishing family values can help kids handle situations in which they might be pushed to do something they aren’t comfortable with.
“Something that lands with this age group is values-based conversations and really emphasizing kids’ sense of self,” says Ms. Petree. “They’re at the very beginning of starting to form their identities, and they’re still really young. Maintain a set of values to live by where it’s not just, ‘Don’t do this,’ because they’re not hearing that. This way, they can make decisions for themselves, and feel a sense of independence and autonomy, which is what they’re also really craving.”
“I think it’s also about language and scripting sometimes, too,” Dr. Domingues adds. “Kids don’t always know what to say, when to say no, or how to say no while still maintaining a friendship. So, parents can practice these types of conversations with their kids.”
#James Donaldson notes: Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes. Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use. Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.#http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson’s latest book, #CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy
When kids enter middle school, they’re usually starting or already going through puberty. And with puberty comes a host of bodily changes that can lead to anxiety and insecurity.
It was in middle school gym class that I first became acutely aware of my body and its shortcomings. We’d have to change in front of each other in the locker room and girls took the opportunity to compare and comment on each other’s “progress.” Discussions about bra sizes, hip width, and shaving were common.
Many states still require kids to take physical fitness tests, which can involve public weigh-ins and BMI reporting.
To prepare kids for these types of uncomfortable scenarios, parents can initiate conversations about puberty and bodily changes early, says Dr. Domingues. “Talk to your kid about how everyone’s body is different, and make sure they understand what puberty actually means — what your body looks like right now isn’t how your body’s going to look like two or three years from now. This validates their experience.”
Having broader conversations around beauty standards and ideal body types with your child, she adds, can also really make a difference in how your child navigates this new environment.
Exposure to sexual pressure
Kids starting middle school are more likely to be exposed to sexual content and substance use, Ms. Petree warns. “I think just by virtue of being around older kids, they’re exposed to a lot more really quickly. Social media and internet access definitely plays a huge role in that.”
Dr. Domingues encourages parents to have conversations about these topics early, even in fourth or fifth grade, before they start middle school.
Because along with exposure can come pressure. “With young girls, especially, I often see that the combination of this new exposure — along with peer pressure and hormonally influenced self-esteem struggles — means that they’re getting in situations that are potentially risky or harmful,” Ms. Petree observes.
She describes working with a lot of girls who think that they owe sexual behaviors to other people. “We have a lot of conversations about empowerment and repeating phrases such as, ‘You don’t owe anyone anything. Your body is yours and your choice.’”
Ms. Petree also frequently advises young girls to “tune in” to their bodies and notice when things are comfortable versus uncomfortable. “Again, saying, ‘Don’t do this,’ isn’t going to work,” she explains. “Instead, really teach kids to listen to what feels safe and not safe in their bodies.”
Conversations about space and boundaries can be just as important for boys, says Dr. Domingues. “I think that boys can be physical with one another too. And it might not even be sexual. It could be like roughhousing or rough play. Some kind of crossing of boundaries that can make people uncomfortable.”
Boys can also feel pressured into sexual activity that they may not be comfortable with because they’re seeing their peers doing it, she adds.
Parents can talk to their kids about how to speak up if they see problem behavior, and help them get comfortable sticking to what feels respectful.
Frequently Asked Questions
How can I help my child transition from elementary to middle school?
You can help by taking a tour of the campus before school starts, encouraging your child to ask their teachers questions, and finding out who to contact at the school if issues come up. Weekly family check-ins and setting up organizing tools like color-coded folders and a homework space at home can also make a big difference.
What are the biggest challenges kids face when starting middle school?
What are some tips for starting middle school?
What should I do if my child is having a hard time adjusting to middle school?
James Donaldson is a Washington State University graduate (’79). After an outstanding basketball career with WSU, he went on to play professional basketball in the NBA with the Seattle Supersonics, San Diego/L.A. Clippers, Dallas Mavericks, New York Knicks, and Utah Jazz. He also played for several teams in the European Leagues in Spain, Italy, and Greece, and he toured with The Harlem Globetrotters to wrap up his career. James was an NBA All-Star in 1988 while playing center for the Dallas Mavericks. In 2006, James was inducted into the Pac-10 Sports Hall of Fame and also the Washington State University Athletic Hall of Fame. In 2010, James was elected as a board member for the NBA Retired Players Association.
James frequently conducts speaking engagements (motivational, inspirational, educational) for organizations, schools, and youth groups.
In 2010, James was the recipient of the NBA Legends of Basketball ABC Award, awarded for outstanding contributions in Athletics–Business–Community.
He believes in being a role model for success and professionalism to the scores of young people to whom he devotes so much of his time. He currently serves on several boards and committees and is a member of many organizations.
James believes in developing relationships that create a “Win-Win” environment for everyone involved, and in being the best he can be!
For more information about James Donaldson or to request he speak at your event, contact him at:
James Donaldson is the author of “Standing Above The Crowd” and “Celebrating Your Gift of Life” and founder of the Your Gift of Life Foundation which focuses on mental health awareness and suicide prevention, especially pertaining to our school aged children and men.
If you’re interested in having James come and speak to your group of young adults, business entrepreneurs, aspiring political and community leaders, and athletic teams, please contact him at jamesd@yourgiftoflife.org and or leave a personal message for him at 1-800-745-3161. Keep up with him and read about how he is reaching out and making a difference in the lives of so many around the world at www.yourgiftoflife.org
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