By Ginger Robertson
Nothing fully prepared me for my daughter’s #mentalhealth journey, not even being a #nurse with a personal history of #mentalillness. I am not proud of how I discovered that she was suffering, nor do I recommend it; I happened upon and read one of her private emails. However, I can’t say I regret finding out what was going on with my #daughter. That email started a journey that may have saved her life — what I regret is that I was not able to intervene sooner.
As I grappled with my regrets, I told myself that I could have prevented my daughter’s pain, and I convinced myself that it was my responsibility to ensure she never struggled again. However, as both my #daughter and I have progressed in our #mentalhealth journeys, I have learned that my guilt was lying to me — that it placed far too much blame on me and left little room for understanding, healing and acceptance.
#JamesDonaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space. #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
I want to share some of these lies and how I overcame my negative internal dialogue.
I Should Have Been Telepathic
I often scolded myself for not knowing what my #daughter was going through.
I should have seen the signs. There were some signs. Why was I so blind? I am a terrible mother for not being more in tune with my child, for not knowing.
With time and reflection, I realized that even good #parents can’t always know how their #children are feeling. My #daughter did not tell me what she was going through for many months; she purposefully hid her pain from me. While it hurts me that she didn’t confide in me, I have come to understand that this was her journey, and she had her reasons for wanting privacy. Ultimately, I had no way of knowing early on.
It’s All My Fault
As my #daughter struggled with her #mentalhealth, I believed that my parenting was responsible for her pain.
This is happening because I did A, B and C (insert a moment in time or a decision) and I did not do X, Y or Z. I should have known better. I should have…I could have…If I had only…
As I have reflected on the last decade, I have truly come to understand that no one is “at fault” for our situation, and I cannot claim responsibility. My daughter’s #mentalillness could have had many origins: Perhaps she struggled because our family has a genetic predisposition to #mentalillness, or maybe she internalized negative messages that our society markets to young #women.
What I know is that I have done my best in raising her, and I have to trust that I loved my #daughter and prepared her for life in every way I know how.
It Is My Job To “Fix” It
After discovering that my daughter was struggling, I slept on the floor of her room every night for more than a month, just to make sure she was safe. I barely slept during this time and felt like I had to track her every movement. If she did not answer the phone, I called all her friends asking if they had heard from her within the last five minutes. I called her work. I gave myself panic attacks doing these things. I locked up every potentially sharp object in my home.
With time, I’ve learned that I can’t fix everything, and my #daughter has the right to decide how she will cope. It took both time and counseling for me to trust my #daughter to care for herself after I discovered she was struggling. I can even remember the feeling of trust returning during a joint counseling session. Ultimately, our relationship and communication improved, especially after I encouraged her to feel empowered to make the best decisions for herself.
My Advice To Caregivers Who Blame Themselves
To any caregivers experiencing a similar internal dialogue, please know that it is ok to go through a process of guilt and doubt. It is ok that you may have told yourself these lies — in fact, it is normal. What I will ask of you is that you don’t get stuck in the lies. Breaking free of blame and guilt will allow you to better care for your loved one.
I also urge you to be #patient with yourself; one self-talk session wasn’t enough for me to overcome an overwhelming internal dialogue. Talk therapy with trained professionals helped me to understand what I was feeling and how to step back and address it. It took multiple sessions and lots of time.
Moving Forward
For a long time, I questioned my closeness with my #daughter and my abilities as a #parent. I thought we were close, but how close could we have been if she didn’t confide in me? Shouldn’t our relationship have protected her from pain?
Now, I can tell myself that we were close, and I was there for her. I took action and helped her get the care she needed. As a result of this caregiving journey, she and I have become even closer. We’ve learned so much about each other and about how to communicate; this new closeness is real, raw and growing.
My hope is that other caregivers can reach this point, with the support of loved ones and #mentalhealthcareprofessionals. I did not get here without caring for myself with the same vigor that I cared for my #daughter. By processing my situation and leaning on a supportive circle, I was able to prioritize my own #mentalhealth and be strong for my #daughter. Caregivers deserve healing, too.
I wish anyone in this position luck in their healing. It can be a lengthy process — but it’s doable and worth it.
Ginger Robertson, an RN of nine years, entered nursing school the year her daughter started kindergarten in order to better her life. Now 17, her daughter is attending to the University of Dakota, majoring in #psychology. Ginger hopes their story will offer hope to other families living with #mentalillness.
James Donaldson is a Washington State University graduate (’79). After an outstanding basketball career with WSU, he went on to play professional basketball in the NBA with the Seattle Supersonics, San Diego/L.A. Clippers, Dallas Mavericks, New York Knicks, and Utah Jazz. He also played for several teams in the European Leagues in Spain, Italy, and Greece, and he toured with The Harlem Globetrotters to wrap up his career. James was an NBA All-Star in 1988 while playing center for the Dallas Mavericks. In 2006, James was inducted into the Pac-10 Sports Hall of Fame and also the Washington State University Athletic Hall of Fame. In 2010, James was elected as a board member for the NBA Retired Players Association.
James frequently conducts speaking engagements (motivational, inspirational, educational) for organizations, schools, and youth groups.
In 2010, James was the recipient of the NBA Legends of Basketball ABC Award, awarded for outstanding contributions in Athletics–Business–Community.
He believes in being a role model for success and professionalism to the scores of young people to whom he devotes so much of his time. He currently serves on several boards and committees and is a member of many organizations.
James believes in developing relationships that create a “Win-Win” environment for everyone involved, and in being the best he can be!
For more information about James Donaldson or to request he speak at your event, contact him at:
www.StandingAboveTheCrowd.com
JamesD@StandingAboveTheCrowd.com
1-800-745-3161 (voicemail & fax)
James Donaldson is the author of “Standing Above The Crowd” and “Celebrating Your Gift of Life” and founder of the Your Gift of Life Foundation which focuses on mental health awareness and suicide prevention, especially pertaining to our school aged children and men.
If you’re interested in having James come and speak to your group of young adults, business entrepreneurs, aspiring political and community leaders, and athletic teams, please contact him at jamesd@yourgiftoflife.org and or leave a personal message for him at 1-800-745-3161. Keep up with him and read about how he is reaching out and making a difference in the lives of so many around the world at www.yourgiftoflife.org
