‘It’s sent me into a spiral of #depression, and probably even #suicidalbehavior. Most of the world is unbearable, even to this day,’ confesses Mike Palmer, a father who’s youngest daughter died by #suicide in 2020.
Mike’s daughter, Beth Palmer, was just 17 when she died. He has since, naturally, struggled with poor #mentalhealth himself.
Studies show that those directly affected by #suicide are more likely to die in the same way.
‘Survivors of #suicide loss are at higher risk of developing major #depression, #posttraumaticstressdisorder, and #suicidalbehaviors’, a paper from the University of California reads, while a research from UCL found ‘people bereaved by the sudden death of a friend or family member are 65% more likely to attempt #suicide if the deceased died by #suicide than if they died by natural causes.’
While there are resources and support groups for affected by #suicide in the immediate aftermath of #grief, seldom does their own long-term #mentalhealth get as serious a look-in.
Since the passing of his daughter, Mike, 58, has sought out education around the matter and has been there to support other parents in similar circumstances. He’s also raised more than £1,000,000 for #suicideprevention charity, Papyrus.
It was in Manchester during the #coronavirus lockdowns that Mike thinks Beth’s #mentalhealth plummeted, as her world fell apart and upcoming singing performances she had booked across the city were cancelled.
However, Mike says ‘we’ll never know all the reasons why’ his daughter ended her life, and now thinks the family ‘missed the signs’, and put her #behavior at the time down to being a ‘#teenager’.
‘What is left behind is basically everything is shattered and the the ripple effect is absolutely huge,’ he says.
‘We basically limp along with our life now. But I work to raise awareness for prevention of young #suicide. That’s my aim and my my point at the moment.’
Mike with Andy and Tim
In March, Mike, along with Andy Airey and Tim Owen – the three of them known as the 3 Dads Walking due to their charity walks – successfully brought a debate around #suicide education to government. #Suicideprevention will now be included in the national curriculum, thanks to their campaigning.
This altruism was born out of immense suffering. Mike says the world ‘changes color’ and sometimes you don’t know ‘how to breathe’ anymore when you’ve lost someone by #suicide.
‘I couldn’t even get out of bed. There’s many emotions after losing someone to #suicide, obviously, there’s all the despair and pain.
‘There’s also anger as well. But I am angry at myself too, because I do believe I missed some signs.’
Wanting to learn more about mental health, Mike went on to train in multiple areas including post-#suicide, through courses and charities. He can now instruct #mentalhealth first aid, among much more.
‘Sometimes post-#suicide there isn’t enough signposting,’ he adds.
‘There is support out there, but often people don’t know how to find support, either.’
Niyc Pidgeon, a #psychologist, knows this only too well. Having lost friends to #suicide over the years including Love Island’s Sophie Gradon – and having attempted #suicide aged 12 herself, she sees the impact on people both personally and professionally.
She says the effects on those left behind cannot be underestimated.
‘The impact of #suicide can ricochet through families and friendship groups, leaving a wake of emptiness and #grief behind where those close to someone who died by #suicide are left trying to make sense of what happened,’ she explains.
‘It is said that one person dying by #suicide impacts six people directly who are close to them, and exposes more than 135 people around them, meaning that as well as almost a million people dying by #suicide, millions of loved ones are impacted by #suicide every year too.’
#James Donaldson notes: Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes. Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use. Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.#http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson’s latest book, #CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy
While #suicide is an obvious marker of an ending, so to speak, it also – for those still living – is the beginning of a new way of life: one that wasn’t planned for or expected, and one that falls out of line with the ‘norm’.
Niyc says: ‘An abrupt change like this can affect their own #mentalhealth and put loved ones at greater risk of experiencing #depression, #grief, #posttraumaticstressdisorder, and even #suicidalthoughts and #behaviors themselves.
‘Feelings of sadness, loss and confusion can become more prevalent and we know that unlike positive emotions, which have an expansive, energizing and building effect, these kinds of feelings can cause narrowing of thinking and dampen your enthusiasm for life.
‘However, we are also able to find a deeper sense of meaning and purpose through challenging times too, and research shows that this discovery of meaning is both healing, as well as acting as a preventative measure too.’
These people can end up ‘less willing to reach out for help for themselves’, especially when battling shock, shame and guilt – three commonly reported experiences in #suicidesurvivors.
‘When dealing with #grief it can sometimes feel like we just have to get on with things,’ Niyc adds.
There is also a historical #stigma around #suicide – only recently has it become a topic which is discussed more freely, and even then, it can be hard to bring up.
When people do reach out though, Mike thankfully has found support is often found.
‘You join a club you really do not want to join. But you do if you reach out within that club, you’ll find someone who will give you a some sort of helping hand,’ he says.
Feeling isolated and in a ‘dark place’, Mike began to speak to other grieving dads. Two years on, he speaks to bereaved parents every day – which, he adds, ‘isn’t an exaggeration’.
Nicy has gone on to work in #mentalhealth
As well as helping others, Mike also has certain habits that help his own #mental state.
‘#Suicide in many ways it’s like carrying a massive boulder around. You just can’t lose it,’ he says.
‘But I’m doing something now. I’m walking my dog. He’s a small, smelly little dog. But he’s got me out on this sunny day, and I’m walking outside. That’s got to be a huge plus.
‘So how do I cope day by day? Every day is different. The fundraising and awareness stuff I do takes up a lot of my life at the moment.
‘I do try and keep busy. I try and wake up every day with a plan.’
Mike has sought out therapy, gone to organizations such as Greater Manchester Bereavement Information Service for support, and contacted his GP – who he still regularly checks in with.
‘To be quite honest, my GP wasn’t really up to speed with post-#suicide support what was going on with me. She’s since made a huge effort to educate herself,’ he says.
‘But you have to talk, talk, talk and talk. Because you have to process it in the end. It really will never go away. That’s too much to hope for.
‘The #grief will change in time, so you will be able to operate.
‘It may not be the life you foresaw, but it’s a life still worth living – even if you’re living for other people, as well.’
Nicy adds: ‘Making #mentalhealth and wellbeing a focus point within our lives, relationships and in the workplace is going to be key to helping protect more people from the risk of #suicide, and help more people find the willingness to live.’
How can we support those affected by #suicide better?
Continue to normalize conversations about #mentalhealth, as this allows for people to feel more comfortable sharing their feelings and opening up to receive support.
Simply asking someone how they’re feeling today, inviting them out for a walk, and letting them know they matter can help increase their sense of belonging.
Cultivating a sense of #hopefulness and having something to look forward to, knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel, can make a difference.
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James Donaldson is a Washington State University graduate (’79). After an outstanding basketball career with WSU, he went on to play professional basketball in the NBA with the Seattle Supersonics, San Diego/L.A. Clippers, Dallas Mavericks, New York Knicks, and Utah Jazz. He also played for several teams in the European Leagues in Spain, Italy, and Greece, and he toured with The Harlem Globetrotters to wrap up his career. James was an NBA All-Star in 1988 while playing center for the Dallas Mavericks. In 2006, James was inducted into the Pac-10 Sports Hall of Fame and also the Washington State University Athletic Hall of Fame. In 2010, James was elected as a board member for the NBA Retired Players Association.
James frequently conducts speaking engagements (motivational, inspirational, educational) for organizations, schools, and youth groups.
In 2010, James was the recipient of the NBA Legends of Basketball ABC Award, awarded for outstanding contributions in Athletics–Business–Community.
He believes in being a role model for success and professionalism to the scores of young people to whom he devotes so much of his time. He currently serves on several boards and committees and is a member of many organizations.
James believes in developing relationships that create a “Win-Win” environment for everyone involved, and in being the best he can be!
For more information about James Donaldson or to request he speak at your event, contact him at:
James Donaldson is the author of “Standing Above The Crowd” and “Celebrating Your Gift of Life” and founder of the Your Gift of Life Foundation which focuses on mental health awareness and suicide prevention, especially pertaining to our school aged children and men.
If you’re interested in having James come and speak to your group of young adults, business entrepreneurs, aspiring political and community leaders, and athletic teams, please contact him at [email protected] and or leave a personal message for him at 1-800-745-3161. Keep up with him and read about how he is reaching out and making a difference in the lives of so many around the world at www.yourgiftoflife.org
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