As parents we often aren’t sure what our role should be when a child is old enough to start dating. Should we be laying down the rules? Minding our own business?
Teenagers can be prickly about their privacy, especially when it comes to something as intimate as romance. The potential for embarrassment all around can prevent us from giving them any advice for having healthy and happy relationships.
Teenagers do look to us for guidance, though—even when they’d rather die than acknowledge that they are—and we can often have more influence than we realize.
With this in mind, here are some relationship Dos and Don’ts you can share with your kids. You can start bringing these things up long before they start dating, and continue affirming them as kids get more experience. And do your best to lead by example and model these values in your own relationships, too.
Do look for someone you feel comfortable with
Being comfortable with someone means:
You can be yourself around her.
You can have different opinions on something, and know that it’s okay.
You trust each other when you’re not together.
You aren’t pressured to do things you don’t want to do. (This definitely includes sexual things, but also other things, like going somewhere you don’t want to go, or wearing something you don’t want to wear.)
Don’t forget your friends
Some people will drop all their friends after they start dating someone. They might not mean for it to happen, but it still does. Don’t be that person! No one wants a friend who will throw her over for someone else, and you still need a social life outside your boyfriend or girlfriend.
Do be your own person
It’s natural to share interests with the person you’re dating, but you also need to keep developing an identity outside of that person, too. Keep thinking about what you like and what you need. Have an interest that’s just yours. It will improve your self-esteem, and being confident in yourself makes you more likely to be confident in your relationship.
Don’t hide from problems
If you encounter a problem in your relationship, don’t panic. A problem does not automatically mean that the relationship is doomed. However, problems only get bigger when people hide from them. It’s much better to admit when something is wrong, talk about it together, and try to fix it together. It might feel scary, or awkward, to do this, but you still should. It will get easier over time, and working through problems is going to be part of any good relationship.
Do know the difference between good and bad conflict
We tend to think of conflict as a bad thing, but it isn’t always. Conflict can even bring a couple closer together if they are able to stick to these rules during a disagreement:
Explain how you feel and be specific
Listen to how she feels and try to be understanding
Avoid generalizations
Don’t bring up past disagreements
Try to say things that are productive—not critical
Do know the signs of an abusive relationship
If you are in an abusive relationship your boyfriend or girlfriend might:
Be constantly critical of you, and make you feel bad
Try to keep you away from your friends or family
Want to check your phone messages
Use social media to monitor where you are and who you are talking to
Threaten that something bad will happen if you break up
Force you to do things you don’t want to do
Make you feel guilty
Hurt you
#James Donaldson notes: Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes. Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use. Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.#http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson’s latest book, #CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy
Kids don’t confide in their parents as much as they get older, so when kids do feel like talking, really make an effort to be available and listen.
Don’t look squeamish
You (and your teen) might feel awkward talking about romantic relationships, but do your best to look comfortable during any talks. If you look too worried or negative they will be less likely to come to you if they want to talk.
Don’t recreate Romeo and Juliet
Try to be supportive of your son or daughter’s romantic choices unless you truly need to speak out. Remember that teens can be extremely emotional and defensive — especially in response to parental criticism. You don’t want to drive them away from you (and further into the relationship you’re questioning) by being too judgmental.
Frequently Asked Questions
What advice can parents give teens starting to date? How can parents protect teens from bad relationships? What is some advice for parents of teens who are starting to date?
It’s important for parents to be supportive of their teen’s romantic choices unless there is a real need to speak out. Teens who are starting to date can be defensive if parents appear judgmental, and you want to keep the lines of communication open.
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James Donaldson is a Washington State University graduate (’79). After an outstanding basketball career with WSU, he went on to play professional basketball in the NBA with the Seattle Supersonics, San Diego/L.A. Clippers, Dallas Mavericks, New York Knicks, and Utah Jazz. He also played for several teams in the European Leagues in Spain, Italy, and Greece, and he toured with The Harlem Globetrotters to wrap up his career. James was an NBA All-Star in 1988 while playing center for the Dallas Mavericks. In 2006, James was inducted into the Pac-10 Sports Hall of Fame and also the Washington State University Athletic Hall of Fame. In 2010, James was elected as a board member for the NBA Retired Players Association.
James frequently conducts speaking engagements (motivational, inspirational, educational) for organizations, schools, and youth groups.
In 2010, James was the recipient of the NBA Legends of Basketball ABC Award, awarded for outstanding contributions in Athletics–Business–Community.
He believes in being a role model for success and professionalism to the scores of young people to whom he devotes so much of his time. He currently serves on several boards and committees and is a member of many organizations.
James believes in developing relationships that create a “Win-Win” environment for everyone involved, and in being the best he can be!
For more information about James Donaldson or to request he speak at your event, contact him at:
James Donaldson is the author of “Standing Above The Crowd” and “Celebrating Your Gift of Life” and founder of the Your Gift of Life Foundation which focuses on mental health awareness and suicide prevention, especially pertaining to our school aged children and men.
If you’re interested in having James come and speak to your group of young adults, business entrepreneurs, aspiring political and community leaders, and athletic teams, please contact him at jamesd@yourgiftoflife.org and or leave a personal message for him at 1-800-745-3161. Keep up with him and read about how he is reaching out and making a difference in the lives of so many around the world at www.yourgiftoflife.org
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