(calm music) – What does, what do the symptoms and signs look like for a #child who has #socialanxietydisorder? – You know, there’s gonna be a range there. They may be uncomfortable with peers or awkward with peers, have difficulty joining group activities and actually really protest against that. They may also have trouble with separation from their caregiver in the morning, their mom, whoever drops them off at #school. There may be some #separationanxiety, there may be #anxiety during the day about when they’re gonna see their mom again. They may have trouble warming up in a group, so they may have difficulty sort of joining a play group of kids at a birthday party or something like that. They won’t be natural joiners. It may take the influence of #teachers or other #adults to sort of draw them into the fray.
– Are there signs and symptoms to look out for that would indicate the #child may develop #socialanxietydisorder later?
– We want to be very careful to not overinterpret normal #childhood #anxiety as sort of a soft sign that’s gonna grow into #adult #anxiety.
#Childhood is in fact fraught with anxiety, and so we want to, you know, what we don’t want to do is almost like make this poor #child feel like they are on a bad path. If anything, when you have a #child who’s a little socially anxious, maybe pay attention to the other things going on in their life. Like are they being mistreated by peers? Are there difficult experiences happening in their family of origin, because those are other sorts of treatment targets to have. I mean, I’m gonna be totally frank with you, I was a deeply socially anxious #child, like as socially anxious and withdrawn and terrified as a #child could have been. And now, I’ll talk to strangers anywhere and you know, so in that sense, I have a lot of issues, #socialanxiety ain’t one of them. But if somebody really were to have predicted it from my childhood, they would’ve thought for sure she’s gonna have #socialanxietydisorder.
– And not to get too personal with you, but why do you think you were like that?
– I’ll tell you why, because I grew up in a town where we were the only #minorities, my family was not heavily acculturated, there were some other issues going on like that. I felt very awkward, the #children were not kind to me as a result, and there was really no, no #teacher noticed and no one to talk to. So I was terrified and I would get teased on the way home from school so I just would come home and cry and hide in books. Paid off with a PhD, ultimately.
– There you go. – But I did, I was fearful probably until I got to college.
– And then what happened then? – Then I went to college and I got to reinvent, and my smartiness, you know, sort of paid off.
Like I was able to think differently about it. And then at college, it was a little bit more diverse, and then I said this isn’t even diverse enough, I ended up moving to New York City, and that was the mothership, I was like holy heck, I look like everyone here. But it was a really tough #childhood, and that contributed to me, appropriately so, being very, very socially anxious.
– I understand that. What would the signs and symptoms look like for #socialanxietydisorder in a spouse?
– If you have a spouse who’s socially anxious, probably the first place you experience this, they say, “I don’t want to go out.
“I don’t want to go to a social event. “I don’t want to go to your work thing.” Like they’ll be, they’re
lovely to be with alone, you might seem like, “God, you’re so wonderful, “I love spending, we love watching TV together, “I want all my friends to meet you,” and they’ll say, “uh-uh, no thanks.” So they really might shirk away from get togethers, social get togethers of any kind, unless they really, really know the people well. So for example, it’s only family and they know everyone who’s there, but if it involves new people, you might see some major resistance to the point where it might get to conflict for the two of you and you can’t quite understand it. They may get very anxious on days they have a presentation at work, for example, they have to give a lecture or a sales presentation or something like that.
Those days may ramp up and they might get more anxious and have more trouble sleeping and be more preoccupied. Anytime they think they’re gonna be evaluated in some way socially, that’s where it’ll play out. And interestingly, you got through it and you met them initially to date them, and I would say it’s quite possible that people who have #socialanxiety tend to meet people in slightly more intimate spaces, ’cause they don’t intend to be the big party people, and that’s where online dating, I think, is actually a very powerful tool for people with #socialanxiety, because they may feel more comfortable curating new partners from behind a keyboard, and then often one on one.
I think our idea’s that a person with #socialanxiety is socially awkward, that’s not the case at all. They just don’t do as well in big groups where they feel like they’re being evaluated, and it might take them a minute to warm up on a date.
– Yeah, I have a billion things I want to say right now but I’m not gonna say any of them because we’re gonna save it for our session on #socialanxiety, so let’s move on. Is there a, I’m assuming there is, the benefit of let’s say you’re dealing with you have a partner who is suffering from #socialanxiety, and they take a step and they go to that party with you as your supporter, what should that supporter do? – I think that what you want to do more than anything is have realistic expectations.
Don’t treat it like a reality show, you know, like this is gonna be the unveiling of the non-socially-anxious you. You really want to keep it realistic and help your partner feel safe. When people are socially anxious, they feel unsafe and afraid that they’re going to be criticized and make a fool of themselves.
– Right. –
So what you wanna do is create that zone of safety. Maybe, it’s almost like training wheels, right? Hang out, help them facilitate new conversations, make sure you introduce them to everyone you’re talking to, but then when you notice that maybe your partner might have a specific interest and they’re having a really nice conversation, maybe step away a little bit, you know? Go, so I’m gonna go grab a few snacks, I’ll be right back, and they’ll get that chance to get that sense of efficacy, of feeling good about themselves in a social situation, but you helped facilitate it. The one thing you’re never gonna wanna do though if you have a socially anxious partner at a party is ditch them.
– Ditch them, yeah.
– You know, like bye-bye.
– Also don’t do that. – Yeah, don’t do that.
– Period. – Yeah, but you know–
– Like who’s ditching you? – If somebody ditches me, I’m gonna be fine, ditch away, right, just don’t go flirt with someone else but ditch away, right?
– Yeah. – You know, but that idea that they’re already, it was herculean for them to even walk in the door. So don’t ditch ’em. – But I’m saying they got there, they did it, and you guys are back in your car, headed home. Should there be some sort of reward, reinforcement to say, nothing? – A conversation, how’d you feel? You feel okay, you have a good time?
– So don’t overplay it.
– Don’t overplay it, no.
– Okay, because I would’ve done that.
#James Donaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space. #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
Order your copy of James Donaldson’s latest book,
#CelebratingYourGiftofLife:
From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy
– You don’t want to take out a sticker chart on the way home.
– I would’ve done that. – And say I’m gonna give you three stickers ’cause you talked to three new friends, like they’re not seven.
– Right. – You know.
– They’re not seven. – Yeah, just talk to them and say, “How’d you feel about tonight, you feel good?” And they might say, “It was really hard,” or gosh, you might say, “It didn’t show,” funny you say it was hard, it didn’t show, you look great.
– And, ’cause I wouldn’t have done that. I would’ve said, “Oh my gosh, so great–”
– And pulled out those gold stars.
– Stay inside all day,
– You know, as your reward.
– No, no, no, no. – But that makes more sense too because you’re almost putting less weight on the fact, “All we did was go to a party, no big deal.”
– Yep, yep, and it was good, but ask them, check in, “How did you feel,” and be open to hear what their answer is, and then offer them meaningful feedback on it.
But it doesn’t have to be a whole sticker chart thing, and also, you know, listen to them, if they’re making some really concerted efforts to get out there, great, let that, reward that but then don’t get caught up in the race.
– Tough question, I think. When is the best time to address an issue when it comes to someone’s #anxietydisorder?
– I think when you see that it’s starting to get in the way of their life, you want to address it. So if you see that for example, they’re, great example might be someone has a chance to get a promotion at work, and they’re good at their job, but they decide they’re not gonna go for it because it means they have to be, I don’t know, on a public stage.
That might be the time to really start talking about it. If you find that a #phobia is getting in the way of them living their lives fully, that’s the time to talk about it. When you find that their rumination is cutting them out of life, that’s when you want to talk about it. Like you really want to pay attention to how much it’s affecting them and creating real impairment in their life and in their relationships, then it becomes a conversation.
– And to be clear, that’s different than someone who just isn’t ambitious at work and doesn’t want to–
– Yeah, no, no, no, they’re saying, “I don’t want to go for a promotion “because I don’t want to stay past six o’clock,” that’s not #anxiety, that’s just you know, just maybe not what they want.
– Right. –
You know, but I think that this idea that they’re, the reason they might turn away from a job that they love is because of fear, that’s when you want to have that conversation. – Yes, yes, because of fear, yeah, I get that.
– Are there ways that a supporter can help someone cope with the #stigma that surrounds their condition?
– I think that number one way a supporter can help is by not treat it like it’s a condition.
Talk about it as like, “It seems like you’re going “through a difficult time, what’s going on?” And not make it so doom and gloom, like you have this big disorder, we must get it treated, you’re #mentallyill, you don’t want to use that kind of terminology. You know, so you really want to make it that they’re not at their, in their best place. You want to help them get to be their best selves, and they’re not there, and really talk about it aspirationally in terms of, you’re so good, and talk in terms of strengths, you’re so good at this, this, and this, and I feel like that’s getting overshadowed by your fear right now.
So make it strengths-based and talk about how the #anxiety is eclipsing those strengths, rather than hey, here’s what’s wrong with you.
– The way you just put that was so simple and so good, I feel like I would need to practice those conversations by myself before I went to a friend, a coworker, a spouse, or even a #child so that I was clear and concise and meaningful. Have you ever told somebody, “Practice this before–”
– Yeah.
– “You talk to somebody.”
– Especially if it’s an important conversation, like think it through, because a lot of people, we don’t think enough, Kyle, about strengths in our conversations about #mentalillness.
It’s always about what’s wrong with you instead of what’s right with you. Every single human being out there has something right with them, they really do. They just never got to hear about it. The #parents didn’t tell them, #teachers didn’t tell them, peers didn’t tell them, and there’s a lot of reasons for that, so when you think about these conversations and even when I talk to my clients, I spend as much as I can that last five minutes on like, and here’s what’s right about you.
– Okay.
– As I pack you up and send you back out the door.
– I love that. Here’s what we’re going to do. Everybody watching this, I want in the comments to say, you can say one or you can say 100, I don’t care, but at least one thing right about yourself.
– Yourself, yeah. – And at least one thing right about somebody else in your life.
– Yes.
– Okay, it can be your spouse, your #kid that drives you crazy, your coworker, something that’s right because that is so true. Rarely do we hear people come home from work and say, “Man, my coworker today, let me tell you “how great they were.”
– That’s exactly right, and think about how often you might with a partner, say, “You want to know what’s wrong with you?” You know, imagine if that was flipped and you say, “You know what’s so wonderful about you?” Duh-duh-duh, and that was the conversation you had more often than the other.
Listen, we’re trained to find faults, ’cause faults inconvenience us, so we want to stop them. But if we could focus on those strengths, people will play to those strengths.
– And like you mentioned earlier, having those strengths, strengths overshadow–
– Yes, absolutely.
– Those other things– – Yeah.
– We’re just improving on. (calm music).
James Donaldson is a Washington State University graduate (’79). After an outstanding basketball career with WSU, he went on to play professional basketball in the NBA with the Seattle Supersonics, San Diego/L.A. Clippers, Dallas Mavericks, New York Knicks, and Utah Jazz. He also played for several teams in the European Leagues in Spain, Italy, and Greece, and he toured with The Harlem Globetrotters to wrap up his career. James was an NBA All-Star in 1988 while playing center for the Dallas Mavericks. In 2006, James was inducted into the Pac-10 Sports Hall of Fame and also the Washington State University Athletic Hall of Fame. In 2010, James was elected as a board member for the NBA Retired Players Association.
James frequently conducts speaking engagements (motivational, inspirational, educational) for organizations, schools, and youth groups.
In 2010, James was the recipient of the NBA Legends of Basketball ABC Award, awarded for outstanding contributions in Athletics–Business–Community.
He believes in being a role model for success and professionalism to the scores of young people to whom he devotes so much of his time. He currently serves on several boards and committees and is a member of many organizations.
James believes in developing relationships that create a “Win-Win” environment for everyone involved, and in being the best he can be!
For more information about James Donaldson or to request he speak at your event, contact him at:
www.StandingAboveTheCrowd.com
JamesD@StandingAboveTheCrowd.com
1-800-745-3161 (voicemail & fax)
James Donaldson is the author of “Standing Above The Crowd” and “Celebrating Your Gift of Life” and founder of the Your Gift of Life Foundation which focuses on mental health awareness and suicide prevention, especially pertaining to our school aged children and men.
If you’re interested in having James come and speak to your group of young adults, business entrepreneurs, aspiring political and community leaders, and athletic teams, please contact him at jamesd@yourgiftoflife.org and or leave a personal message for him at 1-800-745-3161. Keep up with him and read about how he is reaching out and making a difference in the lives of so many around the world at www.yourgiftoflife.org
