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James Donaldson on Mental Health – How to talk with someone grieving a suicide loss
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In 2021, suicide was the 11th leading cause of death in the U.S., claiming the lives of more than 48,000 people — nearly double the number of homicides. People of all ages, ethnicities and backgrounds choose to end their own lives. That means that people of all ages, ethnicities and backgrounds may be affected by suicide.
When learning that a loved one, friend, neighbor, work colleague or child has lost someone to suicide, you want to support them. Your first thought might be, “What do I say?”
Supporting someone grieving a suicide loss can be uncomfortable and even a bit scary. The support you provide is crucial to helping them navigate this tragedy, and it’s essential to their mental health. Be aware that those who have lost someone to suicide are at a higher risk of dying from suicide, as well.
How to start the conversation about suicide
People who have lost a loved one to suicide may consider themselves a survivor. They may be experiencing a complex range of feelings from grief to anger, shame and fear. Being present and showing you care — without judgment — plays a vital role in supporting them.
When talking with the survivor, show you still remember their loved one. Use the person’s name, share memories and maybe even photos of time spent together. Talking openly about the person can help remove the stigma of their death. Sometimes, all you need to do is listen.
The survivor may ask unanswerable questions, such as, “I don’t understand how this happened,” or “How could they do this to me?” Validate those thoughts and acknowledge that neither of you has the answers. Provide support with statements such as, “This is very hard for you, and I’m sorry that I don’t have any answers.”
#James Donaldson notes: Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes. Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use. Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.#http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle Find out more about the work I do on my 501c3 non-profit foundation website www.yourgiftoflife.org Order your copy of James Donaldson’s latest book, #CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy
Often, a survivor hears most from their circles of family and friends shortly after the death, but then the connections taper off. The survivor’s emotions and feelings haven’t tapered off. That’s why keeping in touch is so important.
Holidays, anniversaries, birthdays and other milestone events can be particularly difficult for survivors because they conjure up intense memories and emotions about their loved ones. Check in with survivors around these times. A “thinking of you” card, email or text may be all they need to know you’re there for them. They may also ask for space, and that’s OK too.
Also, remember to include the survivor in activities. If you’ve frequently met for coffee, extend the invitation again. If they enjoy the theater, ask if they’d like to go to a show with you. If the answer is “no,” accept it and don’t push, but don’t give up on them. The time will come when they say, “Yes.”
Be aware of suicide warning signs
Because survivors are at greater risk of dying from suicide, pay attention to them. Listen to what they’re saying and what they’re not saying. And although it’s uncomfortable for you — without judging them or minimizing their feelings — gently ask if they’re having thoughts of suicide themselves.
Here are some questions to consider:
Do you feel you have no hope for the future?
Do you feel you’d be better off dead?
Do you feel your loved ones would be better off without you?
Do you think you might try to hurt yourself today?
Have you had thoughts of suicide?
Have you been thinking of killing yourself?
Have you thought of ways you might hurt yourself?
What would you do to end your life?
Setting aside your discomfort to ask a few questions can help the survivor feel supported and less alone, isolated and hopeless.
If you’re concerned for the survivor, here are some warning signs to watch for:
Acting anxious, agitated or behaving recklessly
Experiencing extreme mood swings
Increasing use of alcohol or drugs
Looking for a way to kill themselves like searching online or buying a gun
Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge
Sleeping too little or too much
Talking about being a burden to others
Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live
Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain
Talking about wanting to die or to kill themselves
Withdrawing or isolating themselves
If you see these signs and are with the survivor, call 988, the national suicide and crisis line, a local crisis center or take them to the nearest emergency department.
Everyone plays a role in suicide prevention. Stay connected with a survivor, listen to them, be aware of risks and warning signs, and don’t hesitate to offer help when needed.
Resources
Note these crisis phone resources:
988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline Call or text 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org.
James Donaldson is a Washington State University graduate (’79). After an outstanding basketball career with WSU, he went on to play professional basketball in the NBA with the Seattle Supersonics, San Diego/L.A. Clippers, Dallas Mavericks, New York Knicks, and Utah Jazz. He also played for several teams in the European Leagues in Spain, Italy, and Greece, and he toured with The Harlem Globetrotters to wrap up his career. James was an NBA All-Star in 1988 while playing center for the Dallas Mavericks. In 2006, James was inducted into the Pac-10 Sports Hall of Fame and also the Washington State University Athletic Hall of Fame. In 2010, James was elected as a board member for the NBA Retired Players Association.
James frequently conducts speaking engagements (motivational, inspirational, educational) for organizations, schools, and youth groups.
In 2010, James was the recipient of the NBA Legends of Basketball ABC Award, awarded for outstanding contributions in Athletics–Business–Community.
He believes in being a role model for success and professionalism to the scores of young people to whom he devotes so much of his time. He currently serves on several boards and committees and is a member of many organizations.
James believes in developing relationships that create a “Win-Win” environment for everyone involved, and in being the best he can be!
For more information about James Donaldson or to request he speak at your event, contact him at:
James Donaldson is the author of “Standing Above The Crowd” and “Celebrating Your Gift of Life” and founder of the Your Gift of Life Foundation which focuses on mental health awareness and suicide prevention, especially pertaining to our school aged children and men.
If you’re interested in having James come and speak to your group of young adults, business entrepreneurs, aspiring political and community leaders, and athletic teams, please contact him at jamesd@yourgiftoflife.org and or leave a personal message for him at 1-800-745-3161. Keep up with him and read about how he is reaching out and making a difference in the lives of so many around the world at www.yourgiftoflife.org
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