When #kids are coming out, what do they need from #parents?
Caroline Miller
What You’ll Learn
- How can families best support #LGBTQ #kids?
- How can #parents help keep #LGBTQ #kids safe?
- What are some common challenges for #LBGTQ young people?
When a #child is coming out as #LGBTQ, the most important thing for them to know is that their family supports and loves them. As a #parent, you might worry about whether they will be accepted. But it’s important to stay positive around your #child and make sure they know they can count on you.
If you’re having a hard time accepting your child’s coming out, talking to a support group can help. You can find one for #parents of #LGBTQ young people through an organization like PFLAG. You might also talk to a #therapist or someone in your faith group. Dealing with your own feelings can help you be more supportive of your #child.
If you’re worried about your child’s safety, open up a conversation with your #child. Ask what they need and advocate for them. If they’re having a hard time at #school, being able to count on you will make a big difference.
Most young people come out to their friends first. So don’t take it personally if you’re not the first one they tell. Some #teens are afraid their #parents will kick them out or withdraw financial support when they come out. Or they might be afraid of letting you down by being different from your expectations.
When it comes to telling other family members, let your #child take the lead. They might know exactly how they want to do it, or they might not be sure. The most important thing is to respect what they want to do and keep the conversation open.
“I was worried about my #parents not accepting me for who I am,” recalls Katie Green, who identifies as queer and came out to her family in her early twenties. “I was worried they would stop loving me.”
Green’s worries are echoed by many #LGBTQ #teens and young #adults facing the prospect of coming out to #parents whose reaction they are less than sure about. Even when #parents are likely to be understanding, coming out can be a source of intense #stress and #anxiety.
If you’re the #parent of a #child who you think might be #LGBTQ, but who hasn’t come out to you, you in turn might worry about what your role should be. What effect will your response have on your child’s #mentalhealth and well-being? What does your #child need to hear?
“The most important thing is just being supportive,” says Paul Mitrani, MD, a #child and #adolescent #psychiatrist at the #ChildMindInstitute. “When people feel loved and supported, they are more capable. They have greater resilience.”
“The best possible scenario in my opinion,” says Green, “is nothing changes — you’re still the same person, people just know more about you now, being #LGBTQ is just one aspect of your life. Being reaffirmed in knowing you are loved for who you are is powerful.”
How to be supportive
#Parents may have mixed feelings about finding that they have an #LGBTQ #child. This could be because they’re worried about how the #child will fare in their community — will they be bullied in #school or discriminated against in the workplace? — or because they have religious reservations. But whatever your feelings are, Dr. Mitrani urges, you still want to have the same approach: “You want to err on the side of being empathetic and being supportive.”
If a #parent is very distressed about a #child being #LGBTQ, Dr. Mitrani urges them not to express those feelings to the #child. Talking about it with a support group like PFLAG, someone in your church or congregation, or a #therapist could be helpful for you and your #child, too. You may have strong feelings, he adds, “but as a #parent you always have to come back to see what’s best for your #child.”
Having a #parent that a #child feels they can be honest with is important both to your child’s well-being and to your relationship, in the short- and long-term.
With #children, especially #adolescents, it’s crucial to keep communication open, Dr. Mitrani notes. “You want the message to be, ‘I’m glad you told me,’ and ‘Help me understand what’s going on,’ as opposed to immediately shutting the communication down.”
Open communication, in which #parents listen without judgment, is a form of validation for the #child, adds Lauren Latella, PhD, a clinical #psychologist. “If #parents either minimize the importance of the #child coming out, or jump right into problem solving,” she says, “it can leave the #child feeling undermined.”
Above all, make sure your #child knows that you love them and are there for them no matter what. Dr. Mitrani suggests language like: “I’m really glad that we can discuss this because we want to make sure that you’re safe and that you’re supported. And whatever decisions you need to make we want to be the best ones for you.”
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Keeping #kids safe
As a #parent you may be worried about how your #child will be treated, at #school and in settings where #LGBTQ people are not welcome, and how they will handle hostility, if they encounter it. Dr. Mitrani suggests opening the conversation by exploring whether the #child is concerned about not being accepted or being targeted for #bullying, as opposed to saying, “This is going to be harder for you.”
The #child might say, “No, everybody already knows and they’re supportive and the #teachers are great.” Or they might alert you to a lack of support.
“If they’re in #school, you need to understand what your school’s policies are,” says Dr. Mitrani. “If you get the sense that they won’t be supportive of your #child, you either need to make a stand and advocate for those supports or consider changing their #school to someplace where they will be safe and protected.”
When #parents are worried about whether an #LGBTQ #child will be safe, Green notes the importance of support from #parents in making #children able to speak up. “Providing a supportive home life is critical. Your #child feeling comfortable enough to share their safety concerns can make a difference.”
Green, who is the Digital Giving Manager at the #TrevorProject, which provides crisis intervention and #suicidepreventionservices for #LGBTQ #youth, adds that by talking openly about these issues, #parents can help create a safer world for #LGBTQ #kids. “Being an ambassador for your #child and for #LGBTQ rights has an impact in the community. By being an advocate for your #child and speaking with pride about your child’s identity, you’re working to make the world a better place for other young people.”
Telling other family members
Coming out can be a huge relief for #teens or young #adults who are #LGBTQ, but the process is often rocky and sometimes painful. Your #child may have opened up to friends or co-workers who didn’t respond well, or may be worried about how family members or other important people will react. Once your #child seems ready to talk, check in with them about how they’re feeling, and how you can be supportive. Start by asking questions and listening to their answers calmly. Your goal is to let them know that you are hearing what they need to share with you.
Something #parents often struggle with is the knowledge that they are, if not the last to know, certainly not the first. Try not to be surprised, or offended, if you find that your #child has been more candid with their friends, and even some other #adults. The #TrevorProject’s #LGBTQ #Youth #MentalHealth Study found that most respondents disclose their #sexualorientation and #genderidentity to friends first, then trusted adults, who may not always be their #parents. Less than half were out to an #adult at #school. Green notes several reasons why they might be reluctant to tell #parents:
- Unlike friends, #parents have control over aspects of young people’s lives, including housing and financial support, which can be withdrawn.
- Parent’s expectations of who they should/could be growing up can create a lot of pressure for #children. Coming out can put the #child at risk of feeling they have disappointed their #parents.
- Peers can have a like-minded approach to #sexualorientation and #genderidentity, making them more likely to be accepting and supportive of the #LGBTQ community.
When it comes to telling others in the family that a #child is #LGBTQ, it’s recommended that you let the #child take the lead. “Telling the rest of the family is up to the person who is coming out,” says Green. “They’ll either have a solid understanding of how they want to proceed or they may not know — just have an open conversation with them and be honest, clear and supportive to help them plan how to move forward. Being respectful of their wishes is a very important element to this conversation.”
Another concern #parents express is the worry that their child’s announcement of their #sexualorientation may be influenced by trends in their peer group.
“#Adolescence, when most #kids tend to come out, is a time of identity formation,” says Dr. Mitrani. “#Kids experiment with different things, whether it’s hairstyles or clothing or music, and they’re trying to find themselves.” #Sexualorientation and #genderidentity may be one of those things. But while that’s true,” he adds, “my experience is that it’s not in the majority of the cases.”
Caroline Miller
Caroline Miller is the editorial director of the #ChildMindInstitute. She is a veteran magazine, newspaper and website editor … Read Bio
James Donaldson is a Washington State University graduate (’79). After an outstanding basketball career with WSU, he went on to play professional basketball in the NBA with the Seattle Supersonics, San Diego/L.A. Clippers, Dallas Mavericks, New York Knicks, and Utah Jazz. He also played for several teams in the European Leagues in Spain, Italy, and Greece, and he toured with The Harlem Globetrotters to wrap up his career. James was an NBA All-Star in 1988 while playing center for the Dallas Mavericks. In 2006, James was inducted into the Pac-10 Sports Hall of Fame and also the Washington State University Athletic Hall of Fame. In 2010, James was elected as a board member for the NBA Retired Players Association.
James frequently conducts speaking engagements (motivational, inspirational, educational) for organizations, schools, and youth groups.
In 2010, James was the recipient of the NBA Legends of Basketball ABC Award, awarded for outstanding contributions in Athletics–Business–Community.
He believes in being a role model for success and professionalism to the scores of young people to whom he devotes so much of his time. He currently serves on several boards and committees and is a member of many organizations.
James believes in developing relationships that create a “Win-Win” environment for everyone involved, and in being the best he can be!
For more information about James Donaldson or to request he speak at your event, contact him at:
www.StandingAboveTheCrowd.com
JamesD@StandingAboveTheCrowd.com
1-800-745-3161 (voicemail & fax)
James Donaldson is the author of “Standing Above The Crowd” and “Celebrating Your Gift of Life” and founder of the Your Gift of Life Foundation which focuses on mental health awareness and suicide prevention, especially pertaining to our school aged children and men.
If you’re interested in having James come and speak to your group of young adults, business entrepreneurs, aspiring political and community leaders, and athletic teams, please contact him at jamesd@yourgiftoflife.org and or leave a personal message for him at 1-800-745-3161. Keep up with him and read about how he is reaching out and making a difference in the lives of so many around the world at www.yourgiftoflife.org
