- What’s #grief?
- What are coping skills?
- Coping skills for grief
- Coping skills vs. self-care
- Coping skills vs. defense mechanisms
- Into action
- When to seek help
- Resources
Feeling overwhelmingly sad may be a natural reaction to loss. But what do you do when the emotion stops you in your tracks?
Loss is a unique experience. Not everyone goes through mourning and #grief in the same way, and there’s no such thing as “grieving correctly.”
In fact, #grief can take many different forms, from feelings of numbness to unstoppable tears. Some people go through five stages of loss, but other people have different experiences. Every reaction is unique and valid.
There’s no deadline for grieving. How long it takes you to process a loss depends on many factors. One of them could be the resources you have at hand. For example, your coping skills.
What is #grief?
#Grief usually refers to deep emotional sorrow resulting from a loss. However, it’s not always the loss of a loved one.
Losing a home or job, experiencing a natural disaster, or even witnessing someone you love go through a difficult time may cause you to grieve. For some people, the end of a romantic relationship may also lead to grieving.
Despite what some people may believe, #grief and #depression are not the same.
#Depression is a formal #mentalhealthdiagnosis with specific and identifiable criteria or symptoms.
In some cases, an unresolved grieving process could lead to symptoms of #depression. But this is not always the case and depends on many factors.
Both #grief and #depression can involve feelings of sadness and #hopelessness, but with #grief, these are typically connected to a specific event or loss.
Symptoms of #depression may also last longer and often require the support of a #mentalhealthprofessional to manage them, which is not usually the case with grieving.
#James Donaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space. #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
Order your copy of James Donaldson’s latest book,
#CelebratingYourGiftofLife:
From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy
What are coping skills?
Coping skills are those thoughts and actions you use to respond to events that may cause you distress. You have probably learned this along the way and from influence and experience.
These skills are conscious strategies you put in place to manage emotions such as anger, #anxiety, fear, or sadness. They don’t necessarily resolve the situation, but you may find they help you manage how you feel.
For example, after a fight with your partner, you could practice meditation for 10 minutes or have a glass of wine.
Coping skills can be simple tactics you use in the moment as you feel your emotions rise. They can also be long-term strategies you focus on when you’re going through extended difficult periods, like when you’re grieving.
But not all coping skills help you relieve distress. Some may actually delay the process and some of them may put you or someone else’s safety in jeopardy.
Avoidant vs. active coping skills
When you experience #grief, you may find yourself working with active or avoidant coping skills. It may depend on the situation or on how you’re used to managing distressing events.
Active coping means you try to directly address the source of your emotional pain with thoughts or actions that change the event itself or the way you look at it.
Avoidant coping skills are more about using strategies that take your mind or heart off the event.
For example, an active coping skill may be asking someone to help you solve a problem, while an avoidant coping skill could be #alcohol use.
According to a 2016 studyTrusted Source, active coping mechanisms tend to be most effective when managing distress.
Coping skills when grieving
The goal of coping skills is often to reduce or endure the negative emotions and thoughts that may come with grief or about actively solving problems.
Positive reframing
Also known as “looking at the bright side,” positive reframing may feel challenging at first, particularly when grieving.
Reframing can be cognitive — focused on your thoughts, or emotional — focused on how you feel.
It’s natural to feel there are no positives in your loss. But with positive reframing, you’re not disregarding the importance of your loss. You’re focusing on appreciating those aspects that may still connect you with the person or event you lost.
For example, you may focus on good memories and lessons learned, or you could work on a tribute. These actions may reframe your grieving emotions and bring you temporary relief.
Humor
Laughter during a time of loss may feel impossible, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t moments here and there where you can find humor.
It may depend on your situation, and it doesn’t have to always work, but actively pursuing humor can help you cope with #grief.
You could focus on funny memories with your loved one, for example. You could also watch your favorite comedy or check funny pictures from the past.
The goal is not to dismiss or disregard the importance of your loss. It’s to help you hold on to more positive emotions — even if temporarily — that may bring you some relief to cope.
Spirituality
Feeling connected to a higher purpose, or having a sense of an afterlife, can be comforting.
If you’ve lost someone close to you, believing in a pain-free existence after death may ease the burden of #grief.
If that’s not your case, you can connect with whatever resonates more with you, from closure rituals to prayer.
Acceptance
Acceptance is not about being OK with your loss. It’s natural if you feel you’ll never be. Instead, it’s more about focusing on what comes next and how you learn to live with the loss.
Focusing on readjusting to your new reality may elicit positive emotions, such as hope and gratitude.
Perspective focusing
Perhaps you’ve heard some people say it’s important to gain perspective. This usually means looking at a wider picture, contemplating more than the immediate aspects of a situation.
Perspective is relative and subjective. It may be about perception, too.
To cope with #grief, try focusing on aspects that go beyond the loss. For example, what you learned from the loss itself or from the person or event you lost.
Problem-solving
Not all grief is related to irreversible loss, such as the death of a loved one.
In some cases, you may be able to take control of your situation and solve problems to improve your outcome.
If you’ve ended a long-term relationship, now may be the time for self-introspection. You could also focus on specific tasks, such as moving to a new place, reorganizing your drawers, or separating joint accounts.
Difference between coping skills and self-care
Positive coping skills can feel like self-care, but they are different. Both are important when you’re grieving, though.
In a sense, self-care is a coping skill. It helps you manage your emotions and get proactive about your distress.
#Self-care can include:
- starting psychotherapy
- exercising
- practicing relaxation techniques
- journaling
- asking for support
- going to the #doctor for a check-up
- reconnecting with family and friends
- starting a new hobby
- pursuing your academic or professional goals
Difference between coping skills and defense mechanisms
Coping skills aren’t the same as defense mechanisms, either.
Defense mechanisms are primarily subconscious reactions to protect your psychological well-being during extreme #stress.
Coping skills are more deliberate. They aim to solve and overcome situations or reduce distress.
You can often choose which coping strategy works best for a stressful event, but you’re often not aware of your subconscious defense mechanisms.
For instance, reaction formation is a common defense mechanism during distressing times. It involves behaving in an opposite way to how they feel.
In this case, you could behave optimistically despite feeling sad after a breakup. This is your mind protecting you from the pain.
A coping skill would be going out with friends or family and asking for their support because you accept you’re feeling down.
How to put your coping skills to action
Developing coping skills can take time. If you’re dealing with #grief right now, you can put your coping skills to work by:
- activating seeking and accepting support from others
- acknowledging you are in the grieving process
- focusing on solving immediate problems
- expressing your feelings out loud or in a journal
- learning to recognize emotional triggers
- getting involved in activities you usually enjoy
- being kind and patient to yourself about your process
- getting plenty of rest
- setting goals, even if they’re small and immediate
When to seek professional help
If you feel you’re having a particularly difficult time grieving, know that this is natural and common. If it’s getting in the way of you completing important tasks or taking care of yourself and others, you may want to consider reaching out for help.
On some occasions, unresolved #grief may lead to complicated #grief or #depression. Discussing how you feel with a trained professional could help you begin your path to healing.
Help is available right now
If you’re considering #self-harm or #suicide, you’re not alone.
- Call a crisis hotline, such as the #NationalSuicidePreventionLifeline at 800-273-8255.
- Text HOME to the Crisis Text Line at 741741.
- Call or text the Postpartum Support International Help Line at 800-944-4773 (#1 Español, #2 English)
- The #TrevorProject. #LGBTQIA+ and under 25 years old? Call 866-488-7386, text START to 678678, or chat online 24-7.
- #VeteransCrisisLine. Call 800-273-8255, text 838255, or chat online 24-7.
- Befrienders Worldwide. This international crisis helpline network can help you find a local helpline.
- DeafLEAD Crisis Line. Call 321-800-DEAF (3323) or text HAND at 839863.
Let’s recap
Grief is a universal experience and there’s no right or wrong way to go about it. Even if it feels difficult at the moment, grieving may become less intense with time.
Developing coping skills for grief and other difficult moments may help you manage your emotions and step into a healing path.
In some cases, especially if you feel you’re having a difficult time overcoming challenges, a #mentalhealthprofessional may help.
James Donaldson is a Washington State University graduate (’79). After an outstanding basketball career with WSU, he went on to play professional basketball in the NBA with the Seattle Supersonics, San Diego/L.A. Clippers, Dallas Mavericks, New York Knicks, and Utah Jazz. He also played for several teams in the European Leagues in Spain, Italy, and Greece, and he toured with The Harlem Globetrotters to wrap up his career. James was an NBA All-Star in 1988 while playing center for the Dallas Mavericks. In 2006, James was inducted into the Pac-10 Sports Hall of Fame and also the Washington State University Athletic Hall of Fame. In 2010, James was elected as a board member for the NBA Retired Players Association.
James frequently conducts speaking engagements (motivational, inspirational, educational) for organizations, schools, and youth groups.
In 2010, James was the recipient of the NBA Legends of Basketball ABC Award, awarded for outstanding contributions in Athletics–Business–Community.
He believes in being a role model for success and professionalism to the scores of young people to whom he devotes so much of his time. He currently serves on several boards and committees and is a member of many organizations.
James believes in developing relationships that create a “Win-Win” environment for everyone involved, and in being the best he can be!
For more information about James Donaldson or to request he speak at your event, contact him at:
www.StandingAboveTheCrowd.com
JamesD@StandingAboveTheCrowd.com
1-800-745-3161 (voicemail & fax)
James Donaldson is the author of “Standing Above The Crowd” and “Celebrating Your Gift of Life” and founder of the Your Gift of Life Foundation which focuses on mental health awareness and suicide prevention, especially pertaining to our school aged children and men.
If you’re interested in having James come and speak to your group of young adults, business entrepreneurs, aspiring political and community leaders, and athletic teams, please contact him at jamesd@yourgiftoflife.org and or leave a personal message for him at 1-800-745-3161. Keep up with him and read about how he is reaching out and making a difference in the lives of so many around the world at www.yourgiftoflife.org
