Plus how to identify the key signs that someone might be struggling
BY AGNIESZKA WALCZUK
To mark #WorldMentalHealthDay (10 October), Agnieszka Walczuk, a head Coach at a leading workplace #mentalhealth organisation, Sanctus, shares her advice for talking to the #men in our life about their wellbeing – as well how to identify the key signs that someone might be struggling and in need of some support.
When it comes to #mentalhealth and #men, the facts and stats make for a difficult reading. We’ve all seen the headlines, we’ve watched the campaigns and, chances are, we all know at least one #man who has been impacted by #mentalhealthchallenges at some point in their life.
And yet, despite the growing awareness, #suicide remains the single biggest killer among #men aged under 45 in the UK. In fact, according to the #mentalhealth charity Ben, British #men are three times more likely to take their own lives than #women.
Whether it’s due to a desire to appear strong, the pressure to ‘man up’, or simply not being able to find the words to describe how they feel, many #men are still choosing to remain silent and not seek help.
Sometimes, because #men and #women are impacted by different influencing factors, #women – #girlfriends, #wives, #sisters, #mothers and #friends – can find it hard to understand or can be dismissive of why #men can become negatively impacted by certain events in their lives. For example, #men’s triggers often stem from societal expectations and traditional #gender roles, which may lead #men to think that they must:
- be the breadwinner and have to provide for the family no matter what
- display traditional “masculine” traits, such as strength, fearlessness, decisiveness and being in control
- be self-sufficient and not seek help from others
- display emotional stoicism at all times
- have their identity fused with their work and professional status
Being defined by these beliefs can negatively impact men’s #mentalhealth and prevent them from reaching out to others or accessing support. However, this doesn’t mean we should give up on trying to start a conversation with the #men we care about.
What to look out for in #men who may be struggling:
- #Men often channel their pain as anger and aggression (also known as the anger iceberg – where anger is actually the result of something else below the surface)
- Excessive use of #alcohol or using #drugs to self-soothe and self-medicate
- Reckless #behavior or taking unnecessary risks – a fake kind of bravado can cover up insecurity and feeling out of place
- Poor sleep, changes in appetite, looking unkempt
- Changes in daily habits or routines that negatively impact their social or work life that don’t appear to raise concerns of the individual in question
- Withdrawing from people or activities, appearing numb or feeling flat, and a disinterest in activities that used to bring them enjoyment
- Complaining of physical symptoms without a clear cause
- Dropping comments about things appearing hopeless or pointless, or expressing thoughts that the world would be better off without them
- Always being the life and soul of the party and never ever appearing to be struggling or have a concern (the pressure to be ‘the happy one’ can become a trap or a role difficult to get out of)
- A major change in circumstances e.g. loss of job, breakdown of marriage, retirement, failed exams
#JamesDonaldson notes:
Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes.
Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use.
Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space. #http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
How to talk to #men about their #mentalhealth:
1/ Find the right space
Opening up about #mentalhealth is no mean feat, especially when it’s for the very first time. Face-to-face, ‘intervention’ style conversations can often feel intense and intimidating. If you want to encourage a loved one to open up to you, try and do it in an environment that’s slightly more relaxed. Going for a walk or car journey is good because it means you don’t have to sit directly in front of each other and maintain eye contact. Try talking while doing something together – go fishing, clean up the garage, watch a movie together. If he’s inviting you to go for a drink one-on-one, he might want to have a proper chat, so go and look out for the hint. When the opportunity comes, sit on your hands and listen.
2/ Make sure you’re the right person they need to talk to
It may feel counterintuitive, but trust and connection requires boundaries. Sharing is not always caring. When we are under-equipped to be with a man who is in serious struggle, we may resort to comforting and rescuing rather than listening, making them feel even more isolated and inadequate.
3/ Notice ‘toxic’ #masculinity
Know when to end the banter, the egging each other on, the fake bravado. We all like a bit of that from time to time, but it’s also easy to spot when someone’s not in the mood or they want to be serious. If you notice something is different about your friend, or your jokes aren’t going down so well, ask how they are doing – and ask twice!
4/ Ask twice
And a third, forth or fifth time if you need to. If your intuition is telling you that someone you care about is struggling, don’t give up just because they brush you off with ‘I’m fine’. Men often feel they shouldn’t have to ask for help and don’t want to burden someone else with their problems – but by continuing to ask, you are showing that you care and you are giving them permission to talk.
5/ Stop asking #men about their feelings and ask about the meaning
What does it mean to you to lose this contract? What did this do to you to not get that job? Where does it leave you to lose your children? Asking about meaning may seem less touchy-feely and therefore more accessible. #Men tend to be more direct and straight to-the-point; the softly-softly approach can actually be more off-putting and awkward.
6/ Share your experience
Lots of men brush off questions about their #mentalhealth because it’s a difficult and uncomfortable subject that they’re probably not used to talking about. In fact, research has shown that when asked, 78 per cent of people say that they are fine even if they are struggling with their #mentalhealth. So instead of probing someone with questions, try sharing an experience of your own that they might be able to relate to. Firstly, this shows that they are not alone, and secondly, it creates a two-way dialogue where you are both able to express your vulnerabilities in a safe and supportive way.
7/ Accept you might not have all the answers
When talking to a #male loved one about their challenges, there will almost certainly be things you don’t understand or know how to address properly – and that’s okay. You don’t have to have all the answers and sometimes, one of the best things you can do for someone you care about is encourage them to seek professional help.
8/ Don’t panic if your husband, partner or a friend is struggling with suicidal thoughts
Don’t panic and don’t comfort straight away, hear them out – why they want to do it, how they want to do it, when they want to do it. Those who talk about doing it, are less likely to go through with it. #Suicide is a taboo, it thrives on secrecy, silence and judgement. Listen first, then seek professional help through a GP, the Samaritans or another charity that helps with men’s issues like CALM.
9/ And finally, when #men start talking, let them talk
There’s a perception that #men don’t talk about their problems or feelings, but the reality is that #men will talk to those who listen to them. Well-wishing #spouses or #girlfriends can sometimes find it hard to see a #man in struggle; it’s counter-cultural and the truth is we are sometimes dismayed or shocked by vulnerability in #men. Many of us rush to #men’s defense – “You’re not a failure!” – and stop the conversation in its tracks. Let #men vent about the crisis of meaning, their wounded identity or about feeling like a coward, without trying to make it better for them. Disappointments need space to breathe. Don’t become another person they need to defend themselves against because you can’t be with their struggle or vulnerability.
James Donaldson is a Washington State University graduate (’79). After an outstanding basketball career with WSU, he went on to play professional basketball in the NBA with the Seattle Supersonics, San Diego/L.A. Clippers, Dallas Mavericks, New York Knicks, and Utah Jazz. He also played for several teams in the European Leagues in Spain, Italy, and Greece, and he toured with The Harlem Globetrotters to wrap up his career. James was an NBA All-Star in 1988 while playing center for the Dallas Mavericks. In 2006, James was inducted into the Pac-10 Sports Hall of Fame and also the Washington State University Athletic Hall of Fame. In 2010, James was elected as a board member for the NBA Retired Players Association.
James frequently conducts speaking engagements (motivational, inspirational, educational) for organizations, schools, and youth groups.
In 2010, James was the recipient of the NBA Legends of Basketball ABC Award, awarded for outstanding contributions in Athletics–Business–Community.
He believes in being a role model for success and professionalism to the scores of young people to whom he devotes so much of his time. He currently serves on several boards and committees and is a member of many organizations.
James believes in developing relationships that create a “Win-Win” environment for everyone involved, and in being the best he can be!
For more information about James Donaldson or to request he speak at your event, contact him at:
www.StandingAboveTheCrowd.com
JamesD@StandingAboveTheCrowd.com
1-800-745-3161 (voicemail & fax)
James Donaldson is the author of “Standing Above The Crowd” and “Celebrating Your Gift of Life” and founder of the Your Gift of Life Foundation which focuses on mental health awareness and suicide prevention, especially pertaining to our school aged children and men.
If you’re interested in having James come and speak to your group of young adults, business entrepreneurs, aspiring political and community leaders, and athletic teams, please contact him at jamesd@yourgiftoflife.org and or leave a personal message for him at 1-800-745-3161. Keep up with him and read about how he is reaching out and making a difference in the lives of so many around the world at www.yourgiftoflife.org
