The #teenage years have a lot in common with the terrible twos. During both stages our #kids are doing exciting new things, but they’re also pushing boundaries (and buttons) and throwing tantrums. The major developmental task facing both age groups is also the same: #kids must pull away from #parents and begin to assert their own independence. No wonder they sometimes act as if they think they’re the center of the universe.
This makes for complicated parenting, especially because #teens are beginning to make decisions about things that that have real consequence, like #school and friends and driving, not to speak of #substanceuse and sex. But they aren’t good at regulating their emotions yet, so teens are prone to taking risks and making impulsive decisions.
This means that having a healthy and trusting #parent-#child relationship during the #teenage years is more important than ever. Staying close isn’t easy, though. #Teens often aren’t very gracious when they are rejecting what they perceive to be parental interference. While they’re an open book to their friends, who they talk to constantly via text messages and #socialmedia, they might become mute when asked by mom how their day went. A request that seemed reasonable to dad may be received as a grievous outrage.
#James Donaldson notes: Welcome to the “next chapter” of my life… being a voice and an advocate for #mentalhealthawarenessandsuicideprevention, especially pertaining to our younger generation of students and student-athletes. Getting men to speak up and reach out for help and assistance is one of my passions. Us men need to not suffer in silence or drown our sorrows in alcohol, hang out at bars and strip joints, or get involved with drug use. Having gone through a recent bout of #depression and #suicidalthoughts myself, I realize now, that I can make a huge difference in the lives of so many by sharing my story, and by sharing various resources I come across as I work in this space.#http://bit.ly/JamesMentalHealthArticle
Order your copy of James Donaldson’s latest book, #CelebratingYourGiftofLife: From The Verge of Suicide to a Life of Purpose and Joy
If this sounds familiar, take a deep breath and remind yourself that your #child is going through his terrible #teens. It is a phase that will pass, and your job as #parent is still vitally important, only the role may have changed slightly. Here are some tips for navigating the new terrain:
1. Listen. If you are curious about what’s going on in your #teen’s life, asking direct questions might not be as effective as simply sitting back and listening. #Kids are more likely to be open with their #parents if they don’t feel pressured to share information. Remember even an offhand comment about something that happened during the day is their way of reaching out, and you’re likely to hear more if you stay open and interested — but not prying.
2. Validate their feelings. It is often our tendency to try to solve problems for our #kids, or downplay their disappointments. But saying something like “They weren’t right for you anyway” after a romantic disappointment can feel dismissive. Instead, show #kids that you understand and empathize by reflecting the comment back: “Wow, that does sound difficult.”
3. Show trust. #Teens want to be taken seriously, especially by their #parents. Look for ways to show that you trust your #teen. Asking them for a favor shows that you rely on them. Volunteering a privilege shows that you think they can handle it. Letting your kid know you have faith in them will boost their confidence and make them more likely to rise to the occasion.
4. Don’t be a dictator. You still get to set the rules, but be ready to explain them. While pushing the boundaries is natural for #teenagers, hearing your thoughtful explanation about why parties on #school nights aren’t allowed will make the rule seem more reasonable.
5. Give praise. #Parents tend to praise #children more when they are younger, but #adolescents need the #self-esteem boost just as much. #Teenagers might act like they’re too cool to care about what their #parents think, but the truth is they still want your approval. Also looking for opportunities to be positive and encouraging is good for the relationship, especially when it is feeling strained.
6. Control your emotions. It’s easy for your temper to flare when your #teen is being rude, but don’t respond in kind. Remember that you’re the #adult and they are less able to control their emotions or think logically when they’re upset. Count to ten or take some deep breaths before responding. If you’re both too upset to talk, hit pause until you’ve had a chance to calm down.
7. Do things together. Talking isn’t the only way to communicate, and during these years it’s great if you can spend time doing things you both enjoy, whether it’s cooking or hiking or going to the movies, without talking about anything personal. It’s important for #kids to know that they can be in proximity to you, and share positive experiences, without having to worry that you will pop intrusive questions or call them on the carpet for something.
8. Share regular meals. Sitting down to eat a meal together as a family is another great way to stay close. Dinner conversations give every member of the family a chance to check in and talk casually about sports or television or politics. #Kids who feel comfortable talking to #parents about everyday things are likely to be more open when harder things come up, too. One rule: no phones allowed.
9. Be observant. It’s normal for #kids to go through some changes as they mature, but pay attention if you notice changes to their mood, #behavior, energy level, or appetite. Likewise, take note if they stop wanting to do things that used to make them happy, or if you notice them isolating. If you see a change in your teen’s daily ability to function, ask them about it and be supportive (without being judgmental). They may need your help and it could be a sign they needs to talk to a #mentalhealthprofessional.
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James Donaldson is a Washington State University graduate (’79). After an outstanding basketball career with WSU, he went on to play professional basketball in the NBA with the Seattle Supersonics, San Diego/L.A. Clippers, Dallas Mavericks, New York Knicks, and Utah Jazz. He also played for several teams in the European Leagues in Spain, Italy, and Greece, and he toured with The Harlem Globetrotters to wrap up his career. James was an NBA All-Star in 1988 while playing center for the Dallas Mavericks. In 2006, James was inducted into the Pac-10 Sports Hall of Fame and also the Washington State University Athletic Hall of Fame. In 2010, James was elected as a board member for the NBA Retired Players Association.
James frequently conducts speaking engagements (motivational, inspirational, educational) for organizations, schools, and youth groups.
In 2010, James was the recipient of the NBA Legends of Basketball ABC Award, awarded for outstanding contributions in Athletics–Business–Community.
He believes in being a role model for success and professionalism to the scores of young people to whom he devotes so much of his time. He currently serves on several boards and committees and is a member of many organizations.
James believes in developing relationships that create a “Win-Win” environment for everyone involved, and in being the best he can be!
For more information about James Donaldson or to request he speak at your event, contact him at:
James Donaldson is the author of “Standing Above The Crowd” and “Celebrating Your Gift of Life” and founder of the Your Gift of Life Foundation which focuses on mental health awareness and suicide prevention, especially pertaining to our school aged children and men.
If you’re interested in having James come and speak to your group of young adults, business entrepreneurs, aspiring political and community leaders, and athletic teams, please contact him at jamesd@yourgiftoflife.org and or leave a personal message for him at 1-800-745-3161. Keep up with him and read about how he is reaching out and making a difference in the lives of so many around the world at www.yourgiftoflife.org
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