Marny Jolly was in her mid-forties and struggling with menopause symptoms when her husband had an affair and left her. Initially, she “kept ploughing through with a stiff upper lip”, working full-time as a primary school teacher and being there for her two children. But the stress built up until she “couldn’t cope any more” and had a breakdown.
“I couldn’t get out of bed for 36 hours and I was signed off from work. I could barely string a sentence together. It was a scary experience and I felt numb,” said Jolly, 58, who lives in Cambridge.
She is among a large cohort of women who experience mental health crises in middle age, often “jolted” by a major life event such as grief or divorce. This age group are part of a “sandwich generation”, juggling caring for children with elderly parents, while going through the menopause.
Recent data from the Office for National Statistics showed that suicide rates peaked among women aged between 45-49, followed by the 55-59 age group. While men have higher overall suicide rates, women’s rates have increased by one third over the past decade.
The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) has warned of an “epidemic of silence” among middle-aged women, who often put others’ feelings first and try to keep a “stiff upper lip”.
A survey of 2,000 women found that two thirds had struggled with mental health since turning 50, and almost nine in ten admitted to hiding mental health problems.
Jolly described how many women her age were “trying to balance too many balls: career, motherhood, children, husbands, holidays, friends”. After her breakdown in 2014, she was referred for eight sessions of therapy via her work, which empowered her to start divorce proceedings and “start to become confident and proud of who I am”.
Jolly has since sought therapy on other occasions, such as after physical illness, and has urged other women to seek help. She said: “I always say to people, ‘We’re quite strange as women, we keep it all in and carry on and plough on. If we find a lump in our breast we know we see a doctor, but if we have a blip in our heads, we struggle to see a mental health professional’.”
Louise Tyler, a BACP-accredited therapist based in Cheshire, explained how middle-aged women tend to “put themselves at the end of a very, very long to-do list”.
She added: “For women over 50, there is a perfect storm of events happening. Most women in their 50s have careers, and often ageing parents and adult or teenage children still living at home. Add to which, you’ve got the menopause, and there’s a social media pressure to look like you have it all perfect.”
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While Gen Z and millennial women openly talk about mental health and the benefits of therapy, middle-aged women are often more hesitant. “People don’t really understand what therapy is, they just think ‘why would I tell a stranger all my problems’,” said Tyler. However, it can be crucial in helping women to become “less apologetic and more resilient” and identify unhelpful thinking or behaviour patterns.
She said: “It offers a structured, protective and confidential space to examine your feelings and thoughts, without having to perform, explain, or consider other people’s feelings.”
Tyler said that a lot of women over 50 grew up “socialised to be the good girl” and to “smooth household dynamics”, which means they put other people’s feelings first. Whereas men “are a lot better at compartmentalising. They have been told it’s okay to put yourself first and have fun outside the house.”
Julia Samuel, a leading UK psychotherapist and former vice-president of BACP, said: “Midlife for women is often a convergence point: menopause intersects with caring for ageing parents, supporting adult children, navigating career peaks or transitions, and sometimes facing relationship changes or loss.
“Many women find themselves in the ‘sandwich generation’, caring for both their children and their parents while managing their own significant life transitions. Yet so many feel they should manage it all silently, as if struggling means failing.
“Therapy isn’t about weakness; it’s both a practical tool and about wisdom. Seeking support takes courage, and working with a registered therapist means you’re choosing someone bound by professional standards and ethics. If you’re considering therapy, check BACP’s Therapist Directory to find a qualified professional who feels right for you.”
